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According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse.

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and it is (you guessed it!) going for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

- Oh, about $200 today - said the rancher.

- But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out.

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

- Here - he said, is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now.

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him:

- Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!

- Really? - he said.

Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.

A clerk answers and Tom says:

- Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?

The clerk replies:

- Canned or frozen?

Why did the bank drive-up window teller have tire tread marks across the back of his grey suit?
→ From crawling across the street when the sign said:

- Don't Walk.

What do you call a credit union volunteer in a room full of bank directors?
→ A superior being.

What does Santa call his wife at tax time?
→ A dependent Claus.

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said:

- Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

- I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

- The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

- And that's how you built an empire? - the boy asked.

- Heavens, no! - the man replied.

A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission.

Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.

After several days, the phone company was again contacted and told that there was no longer a rush.

The phone was now working fine--except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call.

A repairman arrived within the hour!

The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no problem.

Those who don't know are also in two groups.

One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can learn!

But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they don't know. And they become unit managers!

Four corporate presidents, one English, one French, one Japanese and one American, were on their way to an international business conference when they were kidnapped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout.

- You, your companies, and your countries are enemies of the Revolution - screamed the terrorist leader.

- and you're going to be executed! Do you have any last requests?

The Englishman spoke first.

- Before I die, I want to honor my country and protest this barbaric act by singing "God Save The Queen" to all you men.

- That can be arranged - said the terrorist.

The Frenchman said:

- And I want to honor my country before I die by singing "The Marseilles" to your men.

The Japanese said:

Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked:

- Say, why did the foreman fire you?

Replied the second:

- Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman.

The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously.

- What's the matter? - grumbled the boss.

- Haven't you got a sense of humor?

- I don't have to laugh - she replied.

- I'm leaving Friday.

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

- Boss - he said.

- The pill actually worked!

- That's all fine - said the boss.

- But where were you yesterday?

An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be.

The Japanese team won by a mile.

Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.

Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the…

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.

She explained:

- I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today.

The first student raised her hand to volunteer.

- Marcy - the teacher said.

- You may go first.

Marcy replied:

- My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny.

The teacher said:

- Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'.

Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.

The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to…

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer was quite taken aback, and requested collateral.

- Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce - the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safekeeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. The loan officer checked the records and told him:

- That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest.

The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away.

This guy is selling three parrots. Another guy who wants to buy a parrot approaches him and asks:

- How much are your parrots?

The salesman answers:

- The first one is $1,000.

- What does he know?

- He knows 10,000 words and 500 sentences and is able to solve mathematical expressions.

- How about the second one?

- The second parrot costs $5,000.

- What does he know?

- He knows 100,000 words and 10,000 sentences, is able to solve mathematical expressions, and create computer programs.

This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.

- Employer: In this job we need someone who is responsible.

- Applicant: I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.

The Ten Commandments Of Employment

1. If it rings, put it on hold.
2. If it clunks, call the repairman.
3. If it whistles, ignore it.
4. If it's a friend, stop work and chat.
5. If it's the boss, look busy.
6. If it talks, take notes.
7. If it's handwritten, type it.
8. If it's typed, copy it.
9. If it's copied, file it.

Another friend of mine is a very successful businessman. He started with five thousand pounds - now he owes fifty-five million.

When Bernard got fired from his last job they were really tough. They made him hand back his keys to the executive toilets, return his company credit card, give back his company car, and even give back his ulcer!

My husband's business is rather up-and-down - he makes yo-yos.

I'm always delighted when people stick their noses in my business - my company makes paper tissues.