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How many graduate students does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Only one, but it may take him/her more than five years to do it.

How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him.

- Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy.

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying:

- Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies.

A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son has been absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night.

The baby stork says:

A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination.

On the paper there was a single line which simply said:

- Is this a question? - Discuss.

After a short time he wrote:

- If that is a question, then this is an answer.

The student received an "A" on the exam.

A Boston brokerage house advertised for a "young Harvard graduate or the equivalent."

Among the inquiries received was one from a Yale grad. He said:

- Do you mean two Princeton men, or a Yale man part time?

A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination.

On the paper there was a single line which simply said:

- Is this a question? - Discuss.

After a short time he wrote:

- If that is a question, then this is an answer.

The student received an "A" on the exam.

A Boston brokerage house advertised for a "young Harvard graduate or the equivalent."

Among the inquiries received was one from a Yale grad. He said:

- Do you mean two Princeton men, or a Yale man part time?

Optimist: A college student who opens his wallet and expects to find money.

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available.

The pharmacist says:

- Here's a pill for English literature.

The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

- What else do you have? - asks the student.

- Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history - replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks:

- Do you have a pill for math?

The pharmacist says:

- Wait just a moment. He goes back into the storeroom and…

A college student was in a philosophy class which had a discussion about God's existence. The professor presented the following logic:

- Has anyone in this class heard God?

Nobody spoke.

- Has anyone in this class touched God? Again, nobody spoke.

- Has anyone in this class seen God? When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated:

- Then there is no God.

One student thought for a second, and then asked for permission to reply. Curious to hear this bold student's response, the professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:

- Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain? Silence.

Wouldn't it be nice to tell the Dean of your college what you REALLY think about him/her? Well, if you like your Dean as much as I like my Dean, then you'd better keep your mouth shut. I knew I'd get kicked out of the college if I expressed my true feelings, so I remained silent for the last four years.

But yesterday was my graduation. And as I walked across the stage, the Dean handed my diploma to me (nicely scrolled and tied with a ribbon).

Once she handed it to me, I could finally tell that bitch what I REALLY thought about her. So I leaned across her podium and I looked her straight in the eye.

- Hey Bitch - I said.

- You're so damn ugly, you could practice birth control just by leaving the…

A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it. His mom said:

- Sure, sweetie. I'll will send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?

- Uhh, oh yeah, okay - responded the kid.

So his mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.

When she gets back, her husband asked:

- Well how much did you give the boy his time?

She said:

- Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20 and the other for $1000 out to him.

- That's $1020! - yelled her husband.

- Are you crazy?

After the college boy delivered the pizza to Bud's trailer house, Bud asked:

- What is the usual tip?

- Well - replied the youth - this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great.

- Is that so? - snorted Bud.

- Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars.

- Thanks - replied the youth - I'll put this in my school fund.

- What are you studying? - asked Bud.

The lad smiled and said:

- Applied psychology.

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.

Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.

Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.

Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.

- What on earth did you do that for? - shouts Frank.

- You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze.

Matt replies:

- And we weren't?

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.

Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

- Done! - says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers:

- Say something.

The dean sighs and says:

- I should have taken the money.

What do you get if you cross a student and an alien?
→ Something from another universe-ity!

What's the difference between an American student and an English student?
→ About 3000 miles!

On what kind of ships do students study?
→ Scholarships.

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

All the fraternity brothers left the house for a long weekend except for Grady, who decided to stay behind and get some studying done.

One night Grady heard a noise under his bed.

Fearing it might be a burglar, he leaned over and whispered:

- Anybody there?

- No - said the burglar.

- That's funny - the boy said to himself.

- I could have sworn I heard a noise!

Tad answered the Tennessee State frat house phone.

- Hi - said the voice - this is Rollie. Come on over, we're having a real wildass party.

- Shit, Ah'd shore love to - said Tad - but Ah got me a bad case of gonorrhea.

- Bring it along! - answered Rollie.

- The way thangs is goin', mah buddies'll drink anythin'!

Soderling, the star college halfback, was taking a math exam.

The coach desperately needed him to play in the Syracuse game on Saturday, so the professor agreed to give him an oral exam.

- All right - said the prof.

- How many degrees are there in a circle?

- Uh, depends - said the boy.

- How big is that there circle?

A Mississippi professor was at a party and became indignant when asked if college professors were absent-minded.

- Professors haven't got bad memories - he declared.

- They're not absent-minded. Don't you think I know where I am right now, and don't you think tomorrow I'll know where I was last night? Would somebody like to ask me another question?

- Yes - said another guest.

- Is it true that professors are absent-minded and have bad memories?

- Good! - said the professor.

- I knew sooner or later somebody would ask me that question.

Mrs. McKenzie was showing Corbett, the contractor, through the second floor of her new house to show him what colors to paint the rooms.

- I'd like the bathroom done in white!

Corbett walked over to the window and shouted:

- Green up! Green up!

- I want the bedroom in blue! - continued the woman.

The contractor listened and yelled out the window:

- Green up! Green up!

- The halls should be done in beige! - she instructed.

Again, the man barked out the window:

- Green up! Green up!

Biddle and Payne, two elderly English professors, were having lunch in the cafeteria.

During the course of the conversation, Biddle said, "A student gave me a peculiar answer in class today. I asked who wrote the Merchant of Venice and a sophomore said, "Please, sir, it wasn't me!"

"Ha, ha!" laughed Payne. "And I suppose the little snot had done it all along!"

A survey was being taken on the University of Arizona campus.

The survey taker asked a soccer player:

- What do you think of bilingualism?

- Oh, I think it's okay - said the boy - if it's between consenting adults.

Arvil was coming out of the Texas University student building when he was stopped by two coeds.

- Would you like to become a Jehovah's Witness? - asked one of the girls.

- No, I really couldn't. I didn't see the accident.