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And then there was the UCLA professor who opened up his vest, pulled out his tie and wet his pants.

Did you hear about the Western Kentucky professor who kissed the door goodbye and slammed his wife as he went by?

- Astronomy Professor: What causes a half-moon?

- Student: When you can't get your jeans over your thighs.

- Professor, I hear your wife has had twins. Boys or girls?

- Well, I believe one is a girl and one is a boy but it may be the other way around.

Did you hear about the Louisiana Tech professor who stood in front of a mirror for two hours, wondering where he'd seen himself before?

- Professor: Heavens! Someone stole my wallet!

- Wife: Didn't you feel a hand in your pocket?

- Professor: Yes, but I thought it was mine!

What do you get when you cross a Texas Aggie with an ape?
→ A retarded ape.

Why don't Purdue athletes eat pickles?
→ They can't get their heads in the jar.

Why did the University of Oklahoma researcher stay awake every night?
→ He was trying to find a cure for insomnia.

A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch.

A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians he buries them.

The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man.

- So you buried all the politicians? - asked the police officer.

- Were they all dead?

The farmer answered:

- Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie.

Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas.
It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love.

They exchanged hellos, and went on their way.

As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said:

- Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today.

She smirked and replied:

- No, if I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States.

What's Clinton doing to make Americans happy?
→ If you've paid your tax bill and have enough money left to feed your family--you're happy.

Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze.

When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz.

They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes.

Quayle says:

- I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain.

Gingrich responds:

- I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart.

Clinton speaks up:

- Where's Dorothy?

How can you identify a computer that has been in use at the Clinton White House?
→ There is White-out on the screen.

Why aren't Clinton White House staffers given coffee breaks?
→ It takes too long to retrain them.

Why is Chelsea Clinton growing up a confused child?
→ Because dad can't keep his pants on and mom wants to wear them.

Why were the Clintonites pushing the BTU Tax?
→ Because they could spell it.

- President Clinton to maid: Mam, can you do something about Hillary's room. She complains that it's the ugliest room in the White House.

- Maid: Yes, Mr. President--I'll remove the mirrors right away.

How is Clinton's health care reform a lot like his haircut?
→ It is a lot more expensive than it looks.

Why did the IRS recently audit Bill Clinton?
→ Because he filed as head of the household.

What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Elvis?
→ Elvis was drafted and served proudly in the Army.

What does Bill Clinton have in common with former great Presidents?
→ Absolutely nothing.

When did Clinton's friends become sure that he had political ambitions?
→ When he married outside of his family.

What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a dishonest lawyer?
→ Chelsea Clinton

Why did Clinton waffle on military action in Bosnia?
→ His area of expertise is dodging armed conflict.