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- Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! My son, John, swallowed the can opener!

- Doctor: Don't panic. He'll be alright.

- Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans?! The toast is getting cold!

- Doctor: Have you ever had this before?

- Patient: Yes.

- Doctor: Well, you've got it again!

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed:

- This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!.

The plumber quietly answered:

- Neither did I when I was a doctor.

The seven-year old girl told her mom:

- A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.

- Oh, dear - the mother nervously sighed.

- What happened, honey?

- Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.

What's the difference between a surgeon and a puppy?
→ If you put a puppy in a room by itself for an hour, it'll probably stop whining.

- Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.

- Doctor: Oh, really?

- Mary: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!

A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.

- Excuse me, have you lost something? - he said.

- No, we're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone. - replied one of the doctors.

- Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?

- Larry: Shhh, doctor! There are three dogs outside in the waiting room!

- Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt me, doctor?

- Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown.

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.

On his third visit the doctor told the man:

- Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.

- But doc, if I do that, I'll get pneumonia - protested the patient.

- I know, I can cure pneumonia - said the doctor.

A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.

- Doctor - says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands.

- Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?

- I don't see why not - replies the doctor.

- That's funny - says the man.

- I wasn't able to play it before.

A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local doctor.

- John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?

- Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off.

- Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?

- Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.

- Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

- Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

- Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!

- Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heared once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus.

- Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia.

A baseball manager who had an ulcer was in his physician office for a checkup.

- Remember - the doctor said.

- don't get excited, don't get mad, and forget about baseball when you're off the field.

Then he added:

- By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and two men out in the ninth?

Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next.

- Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.

- Doctor: How do you feel?

- Patient: A little down in the mouth.

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

- Where are you hurting? - asked the doctor.

- You have to help me, I hurt all over - said the woman.

- What do you mean, all over? - asked the doctor.

- be a little more specific.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled:

- Ow, that hurts.

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled:

- Ouch! That hurts, too.

Then she touched her right earlobe:

- Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points?

- Doctor: Sell!

A man walks into a doctor's office.

He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

- What's the matter with me? - he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies:

- You're not eating properly.

- Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?

- Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.

- Patient: What happened?

- Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

- Patient: Give me the bad news first.

- Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

- Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?

- Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

The Doctor was puzzled.

- I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink.

- Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober.

- Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a python.

- You can't get round me just like that, you know!

- Doctor, Doctor I think I'm an electric eel

- That's shocking!

- Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bridge

- What's come over you?

- Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.