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- Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a caterpillar.

- Don't worry, you'll soon change!

- Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a nit.

- Will you get out of my hair!

- Doctor, Doctor, I'm on a diet and it's making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someone's ear off.

- Oh dear, that's a lot of calories!

- Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a moth.

- So why did you come around then?

- Well, I saw this light at the window...!

- Doctor, Doctor, I need something to keep my falling hair in.

- What about a matchbox!

- Doctor, Doctor, I keep seeing an insect spinning around.

- Don't worry, it's just a bug that's going around!

- Doctor, Doctor, I'm a burglar!

- Have you taken anything for it?

- Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a racehorse.

- Take one of these every 4 laps!

- Doctor, Doctor, will this ointment clear up my spots?

- I never make rash promises!

- Doctor, how can I cure my sleep walking?

- Sprinkle tin-tacks on your bedroom floor!

- Doctor, Doctor, you've taken out my tonsils, my adenoids, my gall bladder, my varicose veins and my appendix, but I still don't feel well.

- That's quite enough out of you!

- Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm God.

- When did this start?

- Well, first I created the sun, then the earth.

Fireman rescued a man who was badly injured in a car accident. The entire left half of his body was torn off. He was taken to the hospital and examined. The doctors said he was all right. The nurses said there wasn't much left.

How many nurses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ None - They just have a nursing assistant do it.

How can you tell who is the head nurse of a facility?
→ She's the one with dirty knees.

Why did the nurse keep the bedpan in the refrigerator?
→ Because when she kept it in the freezer it took too much skin off.

The ninety-year-old man was in for his checkup when the nurse practitioner learned he was about to marry an eighteen year old girl. "Now, Mr. Jenkins," the nurse practitioner warned, "you should know that when a man your age marries an eighteen-year-old girl, somebody could get hurt." The old man shrugged, "If she dies, she dies."

A coffin was being moved when it fell off a wagon, and started down the hill. One of the morticians started chasing it. As it rolled past the hospital, the mortician yelled to one of the nurse practitioners walking by, "Doc, quick, give me something to stop this coffin."

- Camp Doctor: Your cough sounds better today!

- Camper: It should, I practised all night!

Jack went to see the camp nurse.

- I fell last night - he said:

- And I was unconscious for eight hours.

The nurse was shocked:

- How awful. What happened?

- I fell asleep!

- Nurse: Would you like an appointment for next week?

- Patient: No, I'm sick now.

There were ten zebras in the zoo. All but nine escaped. How many were left?
→ Nine!

- Doctor, Doctor, I keep dreaming of bats, creepy-crawlies, demons, ghosts, monsters, vampires, werewolves and yetis.

- Doctor: How interesting. Do you always dream in alphabetical order?

A man who was very upset walked in to see his doctor.

- Doctor, you've got to help me! - he wailed.

- What seems to be the trouble? - asked the doctor.

- I keep having the same dream, night after night. There's this door with a sign on it, and I push and push the door but I can't get it open.

- What does the sign say? - asked the Doctor.

- Pull - said the patient.

"What do you do?" a young man asked the beautiful girl he was dancing with. "I'm a nurse." "I wish I could be ill and let you nurse me," he whispered in her ear. "That would be miraculous. I work on the maternity ward."