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- Why are you so excited? - the surgeon asked the patient that was about to be anesthetized.

- But doc, this is my first operation.

- Really? It's mine too, and I am not excited at all.

How many physiotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?
→ None. They just give the dead bulb some exercises to do and hope it will be working a bit better the next time they see it.

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom.
Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it.
After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.

As she comes back the male doctor says:

- I bet you are a surgeon.

She confirms and asks how he knew:

- Easy, you're always washing your hands.

She then says:

- I bet you're an anesthesiologist.

What is a double-blind study?
→ Two orthopaedists reading an electrocardiogram.

What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
→ One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.

A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. The doctor asks him "How are you feeling?" The man replies "Not BAAAAD!"

- Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.

- Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help?

- Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.

A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains:

- I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.

The receptionist asks:

- Have you ever seen a doctor? - and the man replies:

- No, just spots.

An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder.
The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him.

After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation…

- The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.

- And did he?

- Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill.

How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.

How many triage nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
→ One, but the bulb will have to spend four hours in the waiting room.

How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
→ None, they just have a nursing assistant do it.
→ As much as the doctor orders.

Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell?
→ It took her two weeks to realize that she wasn't at work anymore!

Why did the nurse always insist on using the rectal thermometer to obtain temperatures?
→ Because nurses are taught in nursing school to always look for her patient's best side.

The nurse who can smile when things go wrong is probably going off duty.

A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.

- Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours? - asks the doctor.

- Oh, no, I gave him eight tablets every two hours! - replies the nurse.

At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.

- Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?

- Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour - replies the nurse.

Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life.

- Nurse, did you prick his boil? - asks the doctor.

- OH MY GOODNESS! - replies the nurse.

A nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital. "This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you. The men on this floor are almost well."

What's the difference between a nurse and a nun?
→ A nun only serves one God.

Interns think of God, residents pray to God, doctors talk to God, nurses ARE God.

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.

The first nurse said:

- I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven.

St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The second nurse says:

- I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard.

St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The third nurse says:

- I was a case manager for an HMO.

St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and…

- Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature?

- Nurse: No. Is it missing?

A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident.

- Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now!

- Nurse: What is it?

- Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!

- Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.

- Doctor: What does he call his other eye?

- Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?

- Nurse: No change yet.