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Mother to daughter advice: Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said:

- There are no fish down there.

He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said:

- There's no fish down there.

He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said:

- There's no fish down there.

He looked up into the sky and asked:

- God, is that you?

- No, you idiot - the voice said.

- it's the rink manager.

Heard the one about the three blondes that went ice fishing and didn't catch anything?

By the time they cut a hole big enough for the boat to fit in it was time to go home.

A couple of young guys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the game warden.

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell and hot on his heels came the game warden.

After about a half mile, the guy stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the game warden finally caught up to him.

- Let's see yer fishin license, boy! - the warden gasped.

With that, the guy pulled out his wallet and gave the game warden a valid fishing license.

- Well, son - said the Game Warden.

- You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have…

A small town Doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish.

One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the Doctor used his fishing scales.

The baby weighed 22 lbs 10 oz..

Three fishermen were fishing when they came upon a mermaid, the mermaid offered them one wish each so the first fisherman said:

- double my I.Q so the mermaid did it and to his surprise he started reciting shakespeare.

Then the second fisherman said:

- triple my I.Q. and sure enough the mermaid did it and amazingly he started doing math problems he didn't know existed.

The third fisherman was so impressed he asked the mermaid to quadruple his I.Q and the mermaid said:

- Are you sure about this? It will change your whole life! - the fisherman said

- yes so the mermaid turned him into a woman

An Irish priest loved to fly fish, it was an obsession of his. So far this year the weather had been so bad that he hadn't had a chance to get his beloved wadders on and his favourite flies out of their box

Strangly though, every Sunday the weather had been good, but of course Sunday is the day he has to go to work.

The weather forcast was good again for the coming Sunday so he called a fellow priest claiming to have lost his voice and be in bed with the flu. He asked him to take over his sermon.

The fly fishing priest drove fifty miles to a river near the coast so that no one would recognise him. An angel up in Heaven was keeping watch and saw what the priest was doing. He told God who agreed…

Three priests were fishing on a boat when they ran out of bait.

The first priest got up and walk across the water to get some more bait.

After 2 hours they ran out of bait again and the second priest said he would go get more bait...so he got up and walk across the water.

After 3 hours of fishing they ran out of bait again and the third priest said he would get more bait. So he stepped out of the boat and went straight to the bottom.

The first priest turned to the second priest and asked:

- Should we have told him where the rocks were?

Two Irishmen were walking down the street with two salmon each under their arms.

Two other Irishmen walking in the opposite direction see the two lucky fishermen and ask:

- how did you catch those?

Well its like this! Michael here holds my legs over the bridge, and I grab the salmon as they swim up the river. We got four salmon A great days fishing!

So the fishless pair look at each other and agree to give it a try. They get to the bridge and Sean calls to his friend:

- hold my legs now Paddy.

Well he is hanging there upside down for thirty minutes when he suddenly cries..:

- pull me up, pull me up!!

Paddy asks:

- do you have a fish Sean?............

Two blondes rented a fishing boat, and were having a great day catching fish.

The first blonde said:

- This is such a great spot, we need to mark it so we can come back.

The second blonde proceeded to put a mark on the side of the boat.

The first blonde asked:

- What are you doing?

The second blonde replied:

- Marking the spot.

- Don't be stupid - the first blonde said.

- What if we don't get the same boat next time?

One day, two guys Joe and Bob were out fishing. A funeral service passes over the bridge they're fishing by, and Bob takes off his hat and puts it over his heart. He does this until the funeral service passes by.

Joe then said:

- Gee Bob, I didn't know you had it in you!

Bob then replies:

- It's the least I could do. After all I was married to her for 30 years.

The fishing season hasn't opened and a fisherman who doesn't have a license, is casting for trout as a stranger approaches and asks:

- Any luck?

- Any luck? This is a wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream yesterday - he boasts.

- Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am? - asks the stranger.

- Nope.

- Well, meet the new game warden.

- Oh, - gulped the fisherman. Well, do you know who I am?

- Nope.

- Meet the biggest liar in the state.

A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Algonquin Park recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man:

- Do you have a license to catch those fish?

The man replied to the game warden:

- No, sir. These are my pet fish.

- Pet fish?! - the warden replied.

- Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home.

- That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said:

- Here, I'll show you. It really works.

Two guys are talking about fishing. One says to the other:

- I am NEVER going to take my wife fishing with me, ever again!

- That bad, huh

- She did everything wrong! She did everything wrong! She talked too much, made the boat rock constantly, tried to stand up in the boat, baited the hook wrong, used the wrong lures and WORST of all she caught more fish than me!

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."

What did the farmer say when his fat pig wouldn't fit into the pen?
→ "There's more there than meets the sty."

How does the pig farmer get to the fair?
→ He rides piggyback.

- Farmer: Did you sleep well last night?

- Guest: No, the bed was soft and the air was fresh, but an old sow kept pushing at the door.

- Farmer: Never mind her. She always gets upset when we rent out her room.

Farmer Jones bought a herd of pigs from a Roman farmer who moved into the next valley and boy, is he sorry.
The hogs won't come to the feed trough unless he calls them in Pig Latin.

Farmer Giles is so interested in conserving energy, he built a pig-powered car.
He has to get rid of it, though. Every time he turns a corner, the tires squeal

Farmer Brown put up a pig-shaped weather vane, but he's not happy with it.
Instead of pointing with the wind, the pig vane keeps pointing toward the feed trough.

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
→ Wheres my tractor!

Why did the farmer feed his pigs sugar and vinegar?
→ He wanted sweet and sour pork!

What did the farmer say when all his cows charged him at once?
→ I'm on the horns of a dilemma here!

Why are farmers cruel?
→ Because they pull corn by the ears.