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What is the difference between a dressmaker and a farmer?
→ A dressmaker sews what she gathers, a farmer gathers what he sows.

How does a farmer send messages?
→ By e-i-e-i-o-mail.

Did you hear about the farmer who fed crayons to his chickens?
→ He wanted them to lay coloured eggs!

Camp Woodland was across the road from a dairy farm. One day the kids saw a large bull.

- Is that bull safe? - someone asked the farmer.

- Safer than you are! - was his answer.

- Camper: Is it easy to milk a cow?

- Farmer: Sure it is. Any jerk can do it.

Why was the farmer hopping mad?
→ Because someone had trodden on his corn!

Did you hear about the farmer's boy who hated the country? He went to the big city and got a job as a shoeshine boy and so the farmer made hay while the sun shone!

A farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields were grown over with weeds, the farmhouse was falling apart, and the fences were broken down. During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying:

- May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!

A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's a completely different place. The farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat…

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says:

- Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says:

- We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks:

- And what are those?

The Aussie asks with an incredulous look:

- Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?

Why did the farmer call his pig "Ink"?
→ Because it was always running out of the pen.

When is a farmer like a magician?
→ When he turns his cow to pasture.

How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
→ They trod on his corn.

- Tell me - said the hiker to the local farmer - will this pathway take me to the main road?

- No, sir - replied the farmer - you'll have to go by yourself!

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate.

The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff's office and said:

- You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens.

- What do you want me to do? - asked the sheriff.

- I don't care, just do something about those drivers!

So the next day he had the county workers go out and erect a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said:

- You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school…

What do you call an Arab dairy farmer?
→ A milk sheik.

A farmer was interviewing a young man for the job of assistant farmhand.

- You'll need to be fit - said the farmer - Have you ever had any illnesses? Any accidents?

- No, sir - replied the young man proudly.

- But you're on crutches. You must have had an accident! - said the farmer.

- Oh, the crutches! - said the young man - A bull tossed me last week. But that wasn't an accident! He did it on purpose!

An old farmer is driving down a country road in his pickup truck when it starts making an awful noise. He stops the truck and crawls underneath to investigate the problem.

- Hmmm...muffler's loose. I bet I could fix that if I had a Monkey Wrench. - He says.

He crawls out from underneath the truck and looks down the road. Off in the distance he sees a small house. There is a black woman and several small black children playing in the yard.

The Farmer yells to her:

- Hey Miss, do you happen to have Monkey Wrench?

- What? - She yells back.

- A Monkey Wrench!!? - He screams.

- What?

- MONKEY WRENCH!!?...

MONKEY WRENCH!!?

A farmer and his girlfriend were out for a stroll in the fields when they came across a cow and a calf rubbing noses.

- Boy - said the farmer - that sure makes me want to do the same.

- Well, go ahead - said his girlfriend - It's your cow.

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy hollow in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted, and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said:

- You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today.

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer:

- When do you have time to plough your land? At night?

An accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer client around his farm.

They pass a large mob of sheep and the farmer says:

- You're pretty good with numbers, Keith. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?

The accountant looks at the sheep for a moment and says:

- One thousand, eight hundred and thirty two.

The farmer is amazed.

- Exactly right - he says - How did you work that out so fast?

- Easy - says the accountant - I counted the number of feet and divided by 4.

A farmer gets sent to jail, and his wife is trying to hold the farm together until her husband can get out.
She's not, however, very good at farm work, so she writes a letter to him in jail:

- Dear sweetheart, I want to plant the potatoes. When is the best time to do it?

The farmer writes back:

- Honey, don't go near that field. That's where all my guns are buried.

But, because he is in jail all of the farmer's mail is censored. So when the sheriff and his deputies read this, they all run out to the farm and dig up the entire potato field looking for guns. After two full days of digging, they don't find one single weapon.

The farmer then writes to his wife:

On a drive in the country, a city slicker noticed a farmer lifting a pig up to an apple tree and holding the pig there as it ate one apple after another.

- Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about - said the city slicker - but if you just shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground, wouldn't it save a lot of time?

- Time? - said the farmer.

- What does time matter to a pig?

There was a farmer who had a herd of pigs.
One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer:

- What do you use to feed your pigs?

- Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?

- Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes.

Then he fined the farmer.

Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question.
The farmer answered:

- Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak...why?

- Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat.

A farm boy was drafted. On his first furlough, his Father asked him what he thought of Army life.

- It's pretty good Pa. The food's not bad, the work's easy but best of all, they let ya sleep real late in the morning.

An agriculture student said to a farmer:

- Your methods are too old fashioned. I won't be surprised if this tree will give you less than twenty pounds of apples.

- I won't be surprised either - said the farmer - this is an orange tree.