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There was a farmer who raised watermelons.
He was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, it says:

- Warning!! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide.

So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He…

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car. A cloud of feathers.

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said:

- I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him.

- Suit yourself - the farmer replied - you can go join the other chickens that are around the back.

A hindu priest, rabbi and a lawyer were driving down the road, when the car breaks down. Fortunately finding a farmhouse nearby, the farmer informed them that he had only one spare room, and that it had only two twin beds.

They were welcome to it, but one of them had to sleep in the barn.
After much discussion, the hindu volunteered to go to the barn. A few moments later, a knock on the bedroom door, and the hidu explained that there was a cow in the barn, and cows are sacred and he could not possibly sleep in the barn with a cow.

Annoyed, the rabbi volunteered. A few moments later, a knock on the door. The rabbi explained that there was a pig in the barn and that he, being very orthodox…

Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfast for a bit of skydiving, Late Sunday evening he was found in tree by a farmer. What happened said the farmer, Liam replied, that his parachute failed to open, well said the farmer if you had of asked the locals before you jumped, they would have told you nothing opens here on a Sunday.

Farmer Brown decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Brown.

- Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'? - asked the lawyer.

Farmer Brown responded:

- Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...

- I didn't ask for any details - the lawyer interrupted - just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!

Farmer Brown said:

- Well I had just gotten Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...

The lawyer interrupted again and said:

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled:

- Pull, Nellie, pull.

Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered:

- Pull, Buster, pull.

Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded:

- Pull, Jennie, pull.

Nothing.

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.
The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.

A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.

- That's a lot of chicks - commented the proprietor.

- I mean business - the city slicker replied.

A week later the yuppie was back again.

- I need another 100 chicks - he said.

- Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming - the man told him.

- Yeah - the yuppie replied.

- If I can iron out a few problems.

- Problems? - asked the proprietor.

- Yeah - replied the yuppie - I think I planted that last batch too close together.

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation.
So he puts up a sign that reads:

- WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!

He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.

The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads:

- NOW THERE ARE TWO!

A man's car stalled on a country road one morning. When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him.

- Your trouble is probably in the carburetor - said the cow.

Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story.

- Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye? - asked the farmer.

- Yes, yes - the man replied.

- Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie - said the farmer.

- She doesn't know a thing about cars.

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer:

- Were they all dead?

The old farmer replied:

- Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie.

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said:

- You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today.

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer:

- When do you have time to plough your land? At night?

Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain?
→ He has got no beef.

Why did the farmer call his pig "Ink"?
→ Because it was always running out of the pen.

When is a farmer like a magician?
→ When he turns his cow to pasture.

What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer?
→ You take me for grunted.

Did you hear about the farmer you ploughed his field with a steamroller?
→ He wanted to grow mash potatoes!

How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
→ They trod on his corn.

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says:

- Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says:

- We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks:

- And what are those?

The Aussie asks with an incredulous look:

- Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.

The farmer said:

- That's once.

A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer said:

- That's twice.

After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.

His brand new bride yelled, telling him:

- That was an awful thing to do.

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer.

They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed like hours.
When the chauffeur came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his driver had been in there so long.

- Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses. - explained the driver.

- What did you tell the farmer? - Limbaugh asked.

A man from the city is out plowing his field and gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground.

A farmer driving by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over the city feller. You need a mule to plow such wet ground he says.

- Where can I buy one? - he is asked.

Well, I just happened to have one for 100 dollars he says.

- I'll take him - says the other man as he counts out the money.

I can't bring him over today. I don't work on Sunday morrow OK?

- Sure.

The next day the truck pulls up and the old farmer gets out. He says:

- sorry, bad news.

I went out after breakfeast and the mule was dead.

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head.
Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

- You look hot, my son - said the cleric.

- why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand.

- No thanks - said the young man.

- My father wouldn't like it.

- Don't be silly - the minister said.

- Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water.

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said:

- Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!

- Well, he's under the load of hay. - replied the young farmer.

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening.

- Who's the boss around here? - he asked.

- I am. - said the man.

The farmer said:

- I have a black horse and a brown horse, which one would you like?

The man thought for a minute and said:

- The black one.

- No, no, no, get the brown one. - the man's wife said.