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It seems three Irishmen, Sean, Michael and Tim, passed over at the same time. Upon encountering the Pearly Gates, they were met by ST. Patrick himself, and he addressed the boys thusly:

- Lads, I'm here to welcome you to heaven where you will spend eternity. Just remember one thing, when you go through these gates, don't step on any of the ducks or you'll be punished for eternity.

Sean went in first and was amazed to see that the entire ladscape was encompassed by ducks, and try as he might, sure enough he stepped on one. He was immediately joined by one of the homliest colleens he's ever laid eyes on, and she said:

- Well love, you stepped on a duck and now we're together for all time.

Two Irish friends greeted each other while waiting their turn at the bank window.

- This reminds me of Finnegan - remarked one.

- What about Finnegan? - inquired the other.

- 'Tis a story that Finnegan died, and when he greeted St. Peter, he said:

- It's a fine job you've had here for a long time.

- Well, Finnegan - said St. Peter - here we count a million years as a minute and a million dollars as a cent.

- Ah! - said Finnegan - I'm needing cash. Lend me a cent.

- Sure - said St. Peter - just wait a minute.

Three people die, a Doctor a school teacher and the head of a large HMO, when met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the Doctor:

- what did you do on Earth?

The Dotor replied, I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free. St. Peter told the Doctor:

- you may go in.

St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, I taught educationally challenged children. St. Peter then told her:

- you may go in.

St. Peter asked the third man:

- what did you do?

The man hung his head and replied:

- I ran a large HMO.

President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates.

- Who goes there? - inquired St. Peter.

- It's me, Bill Clinton.

- What bad things did you do on earth?

Clinton thought a bit and answered:

- Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury.

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied:

- OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over.

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper:

- Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?

- Yes - the professor ansvered.

- When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not se it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.

- Well - said the gatekeeper:

- That is a very minor sin. You may enter.

- Thank you very much, Saint Peter - the professor ansvered.

- Im am not Saint Peter - said the gatekeeper:

- He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him.

- Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you. The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks:

- Religion?

The man says:

- Methodist.

St. Peter looks down his list, and says:

- Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven.

- Religion?

- Baptist.

- Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.

One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said:

- God, there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?

God replied:

- Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell.

St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling:

- God, God, they're gone, they're gone!

- Who, the New Yorkers?

- No, the Pearly Gates.

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard:

- Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman! And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone…

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says:

- I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter.

Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.

God got mad and said:

- You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him! Tell them my…

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked:

- What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.

The teacher answered quickly:

- That would be the Titanic. St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't really need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder:

- How many people died on the ship?

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie.

This guy dies and is sent to Hell.
Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.

So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says:

- No, please show me the next room.

Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again.

Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes.

So the guy says:

- I'll choose this room. Satan says O.K. The guys is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea…

St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven.

- Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates? - he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.

- I was a good father - he answers.

- Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance.

St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question.

The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.

But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks:

- How do these represent Christmas?

- They're Carol's.

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked:

- When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says:

- I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.

The second guy says:

- I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.

The last guy replies:

- I would like to hear them say:

- Look! He's moving!

Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said:

- Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence. Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.

- Satan! - beckoned God:

- You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!

- Yeah? What if I don't? - replied the devil.

- I'll sue you if I have to - answered God.

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.

For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.

Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.

Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.

Exasperated, Peter says:

- Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!

The man says:

- There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and…

Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said:

- I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be.

- Great! - said the first guy:

- I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!

- No problem - replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone.

- And what do you want to be - St. Peter asked the other guy.

- I'd like to be one cool stud! - was the reply.

- Easy - replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.

After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back.

- You'll find them easily - he says:

What did King Arthur sleep with when he was afraid of the dark?
→ A knight light

Where does Napoleon keep his armies?
→ In his sleevies!

What did the Pharaohs use to keep their babies quiet?
→ Egyptian dummies.

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
→ They both have 'the' as their middle names!

What does the 1286BC inscribed on the mummy's tomb indicate?
→ The registration of the car that ran him over!

What did they do at the Boston Tea Party?
→ I don't know, I wasn't invited!

When crossing the Delaware River why did George Washington stand up in the boat?
→ He was afraid that if he sat down that someone would give him an oar to row!