Did you hear about the Irishman who couldn't tell the difference between his two horses?
→ His friend suggested measuring them, that didn't help though, the Irishman discovered that the brown horse was only an inch taller than the white one!
Did you hear about the horse with the negative altitude?
→ He always said "Neigh"
Did you hear about the horse that has made a dozen films?
→ He's not a star though, he just does bit parts!
Did you hear about the depressed horse?
→ He told a tale of whoa!
Did you hear about the aristocratic horse?
→ He was the last of his race!
What do you call the queue of Software Engineers standing outside Heaven?
→ The Y2K deadline!
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
- Very well - said the gatekeeper of Heaven.
- But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches.
- I know, and that's all right - Satan answered unperturbed.
- We've got all the umpires.
A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper:
- Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?
- Yes - the professor ansvered.
- When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not se it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.
- Well - said the gatekeeper.
- That is a very minor sin. You may enter.
- Thank you very much, Saint Peter - the professor ansvered.
- Im am not Saint Peter - said the gatekeeper.
- He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.
An angel in heaven was welcoming a new arrival.
- How did you get here? - he asked.
And the new angel replied:
- Flu...
How do angels greet each other?
→ They say, Halo.
Why did the angel lose her job?
→ She had harp failure.
- Jay: Does the Bible say that if you smoke you can't get to heaven?
- Ted: No, but the more you smoke the quicker you'll get there.
A cattleman from West Texas died & went on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to the gate keeper:
- Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Texas.
The gatekeeper replied:
- First of all, I'm not Saint Peter and second, you really don't know where you are at all, do you?
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
→ Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
A doctor, an engineer, and a fungal taxonomist arrived at The Pearly Gates. The doctor said how he'd healed the sick, helped the lame; but he was a sinner and was sent to Hell.
The engineer told how he'd built homes for the homeless, etc.; but he messed up the environment, so he was sent to Hell.
The fungal taxonomist was frightened by all this, but as soon as he mentioned his occupation, God said:
- You've already been thru Hell, Welcome to Heaven.
Morty the producer dies and goes to purgatory. The agent behind the counter says:
- So Morty, what's it gonna be Heaven or Hell?
Morty asks:
- What's the difference?
Sid says:
- Take a look at the monitor over here.
Morty goes to the monitor and sees scenes of heaven where people are quietly floating on clouds and playing harps in serene bliss. Morty turns to Sid and says:
- Well that's nice. Pretty boring but nice. What's Hell like?
Sid tells him to look at the other monitor. Morty does and sees scenes of young people having sex and dancing and smoking and drinking and laughing and singing and generally having a great time.
- This is great! - says Morty.
A Director arrives below and is met by Satan who shows him around. Turns out that Hell is a gigantic movie studio with the latest and best equipment, stages, great actors, etc. Director thinks its great and asks Satan what heaven is like if hell is this good. Satan says heaven is exactly like this, a movie studio. The Director is confused.
- Then what's the difference - he asks.
Satan smiles:
- Well, in heaven they actually make movies.
In Heaven:
The cooks are French, The policemen are English, The mechanics are German, The lovers are Italian, The bankers are Swiss.
In Hell:
The cooks are English, The policemen are German, The mechanics are French, The lovers are Swiss, The bankers are Italian.
An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He is met by St Peter who goes through the usual questionnaire.
- What sort of accountant are you? - says St Peter
- Public Practitioner - is the reply.
- Name?
He gives his name. St Peter goes through some files and pulls one out.
- Oh, yes. We've been expecting you. You've reached your allotted span - says St Peter.
- How can that be? - says the accountant.
- I'm too young to go. I'm only forty-eight
- No, that's impossible.
- Why do you say that?
A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says:
- get in, get in!
The religous man replies:
- no I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle.
Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again cause:
- God will grant him a miracle.
With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He…
A cat and a mouse died on the same day and went up to Heaven. At the top they met God and he asked them:
- How do you like it so far?
The mouse replied:
- It's great, but can I get a pair of roller skates?
God said:
- Sure, and he gave him a pair of roller skates.
The next day God saw the cat and asked him:
- How do you like it up here so far?
and the cat replied:
- Great, I didn't know you had meals on wheels up here!
A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
- Come with me - said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.
- Wow, thank you - said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
- Wait, I think you are a little mixed up - said the priest.
- Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.
- Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When…
St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up.
- Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?
- I was a policeman - he responded.
- What kind of policeman? - St Peter asked.
- I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids.
- Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates.
A few moments later a second man walks up.
- Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?
- I was a policeman - he responded.
- What kind of policeman? - St Peter asked.
Three men die and go to heaven and queue to meet St. Peter.
- St. Peter: Hi, what's your name?
- Paul: My name is Paul.
- St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?
- Paul: 120K.
- St. Peter: Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of money?
- Paul: I was a lawyer.
- St. Peter: That's great. Come on in.
St. Peter then turned to the second man.
- Hi, what's your name?
So this trumpet player dies. When he reaches is everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says:
- You're going to spend eternity with this combo, okay? There's a bass player named 'Mingus' and a pianist named 'Monk', and any day now we expect this 'Blakey' guy to show up with his drums.
- Wow! - the guy says.
- I never imagined heaven would be this good.
The man in the robe says:
- This is hell, not heaven. There's a girl singer.
