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Why are Canadians given only a half hour for lunch?
→ They don't want to have to retrain them.

The Albanian planted lightbulbs in his garden.
He heard that tulips grew from bulbs.

Did you hear about the Iranian terrorist who switched off the fans of his stolen helicopter because he couldn't stand the draft?

Did you hear about the dumb father who returned from lunch and saw a sign on his door, "Back in 30 minutes," so he sat down to wait for himself?

Henderson bought a new car and, after he left the showroom, decided to catch a movie. When he came out, Henderson noticed he'd locked the car and left the keys in the ignition.

He telephoned the dealer:

- Which is the cheapest window to break? - he asked.

- You don't have to break any of the windows - explained the dealer.

- I'll come right down with another key and we can open it together.

- No, no! - shouted the new car owner.

- I gotta know now! It's about to rain and I wanna put the top up!

An army sergeant told Private Perkins to go to the end of the line. He did, but then returned.

- I thought I told you to go to the end of the line - barked the NCO.

- Why did you come back?

- Because there's already somebody there!

Shingles were loose on Pennock's roof, and he complained about leaks to Barton, his neighbor.

- Why don't you mend the roof? - asked Barton.

- I can't today - Pennock replied.

- It's pouring rain.

- Well, why don't you patch it in dry weather.

- It don't leak then!

Wyatt, Milford and Calhoun were standing one on top of the other trying to measure a flag pole.

A man passing by yelled up to them:

- Why don't you guys just take down the pole, lay it down on the ground and measure it?

- We don't wanna measure the length, mister! - Wyatt sneered.

- We wanna measure the height!

Chaffee could talk on any subject whether he knew anything about it or not. Mostly he didn't. One day his neighbor Nibley could stand no more.

- Do you realize - asked Nibley - that you and I know all there is to be known?

- Do you really think so? - said Chaffee.

- How do you figure that?

- Easy - answered Nibley.

- You know everything except that you're a damn idiot. And I know that!

Tyfus applied for a job in a factory.

The company doctor who was giving him a physical asked:

- Have your eyes ever been checked?

- No, - said the worker.

- They've always been brown.

Rigby drove into the city with his girl to catch their first play at a theater.

Rigby rushed up to the box office and said:

- Gimme two tickets for tonight's show.

- Sorry, - said the box office attendant.

- There are no seats left. We have only two standing rooms left.

- Well, I'll be hog tied! Only two left in standing room! - said the farm boy.

- Are they together?

Duayne met Patricia Ann from Birmingham at a Tus-caloosa ballroom.

They danced every dance together. When the evening was over, he asked if he could see her next time he was in town.

- Yes, - replied Patricia Ann shyly.

The young man hurriedly took out his pad and pencil and asked:

- What's your number?

- CApitol 4-6173.

After a long embarrassed pause, Duayne asked:

- How do yew make a capital 4?

Edney and Cole, two Ohio Edison electrical repairmen, were working on a blown house circuit.

- Hey, Cole! - said Edney.

- See those two wires?

- Sure, - Cole answered.

- Now just grab one of them.

Cole grabbed one of the wires.

- Feel anything? - asked his partner.

- Not a thing, - answered Cole.

- Good! - said Edney.

- Don't touch the other one or you'll drop dead!

- Delmer: How'd you like the play last night over at the high school?

- Parley: I only seed the first act, but not the second.

- Delmer: Why didn't you stay?

- Parley: I couldn't wait that long. It said on the program, 'Two Years Later.'

Guidry called in Plotke, the painter, for an estimate to paint his house.

- How much you gonna charge me? - asked Guidry.

- Twenty dollars an hour, - replied Plotke.

- Good Lord! - exclaimed the home owner.

- I wouldn't pay Michelangelo that price!

- I tell you one thing, mister, - said the painter.

- If that guy you mentioned is doin' the job for less, he ain't no member of our union!

Calvin went to Pearson's Pet Shop to complain that his canary wouldn't sing.

- File the beak just a little, - said the owner.

- and the bird will sing. But if you file it too much, the canary will die.

Two weeks later Pearson ran into Calvin on the street and asked about his canary.

- He died, - said Calvin.

- But I told you not to file the beak too much.

- I didn't, - explained Calvin.

- but by the time I got him out of the vise, he was already dead.

Young Bradley arrived at his date's house wearing a shirt that had water dripping from it.

- What're you doin'? - asked his girlfriend.

- How come your shirt is soakin' wet?

- Well, - said Bradley.

- it said on the label: WASH AND WEAR.

What has eight legs and an IQ of forty?
→ Four guys watching a baseball game.

Did you hear about the dimwit who went to visit his girlfriend and found she didn't have very much on?

He went back nine months later and she had a little moron.

Holton sat down in a Green Bay restaurant and said to the waitress:

- Do you know whether the milk from this dairy is pasteurized?

- Sure is! - she answered.

- Every morning they turn the cows out to pasture.

- Hoot: How the hell can ya be so stupid?

- Jessie: Well, it ain't somethin' yew can pick up overnight.

Did you hear about the rookie Rhode Island cop who gave out twenty-two parking tickets before he found out he was at a drive-in movie?

- Hatton: I ain't as dumb as I look!

- Folsom: You couldn't be!

- Can you read Chinese?

- Yes, but only when it's printed in English.

Did you hear about the dimwit who was so dumb he thought Gatorade was welfare for crocodiles?