I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.
During a break on a North Dakota office building project, one of the construction workers approached Pyle.
- Ah heard the boys is gonna strike - he said.
- What fer? - asked Pyle.
- Shorter hours.
- Good fer them! - said the redneck.
- Ah always did think sixty minutes was too long fer an hour!
Kennen was having a drink in a saloon when his neighbor, Stakely, came rushing in.
- Ah think somebody's stealin' yore pickup truck! - the man said breathlessly.
Kennan ran outside, but came back right away.
- Well, did yew stop him? - asked Stakely.
- Naw! - said the redneck.
- He was too fast. But Ah got his license plate before he got away!
The July temperature in Joplin climbed over the one hundred mark. Despite the scorching heat, Bozell was outside painting his house. A passerby stopped for a moment to watch him and then asked:
- How cum yer wearin' two jackets?
- 'Cause - said the redneck, the directions on the can say ta put on two coats!
Izzard went into a Baltimore bank to cash his check. Since he didn't have an account there, the teller asked if he could identify himself.
- Sure - said Izzard.
- There a mirror around here?
- There's one on the wall right beside you - said the clerk.
Izzard took a glance in the mirror and heaved a sigh of relief.
- Yep! - he said.
- It's me, all right!
Mayne and Willard, two idiots, were in a rowboat on a lake fishing.
Suddenly the spray from a motorboat racing by flooded their boat.
- How we gonna get the water out? - asked Mayne.
- Easy - said Willard.
- We just bore a hole in the bottom of the boat and let the water drain out.
The men drilled a hole in the bottom, and more water started rushing in.
- Wait a minute! - exclaimed Mayne.
- We need another hole so's the water comin' in through the first one has a place to go back into the lake!
Zack and Tybe, two Alabama farm boys, bought themselves a truckload of watermelons for a buck apiece.
They sold each one for a dollar. After counting up their cash, they realized they'd wound up with the same amount of money they'd started out with.
- See! - said Tybe.
- Ah told yew we shoulda got a bigger truck!
When a small Montana village decided to buy a new fire truck, the town council met to decide what to do with the old one.
Randall, an old rancher, stood up.
- Ah think we should keep the old truck - he said.
- We can use it for all them false alarms!
Melburn was strolling along downtown Natchez with a framed picture under his arm. "Hey, what yew got there?" asked a neighbor. "I dunno much 'bout art," replied Melburn, "but Ah just bought me an original Michelangelo for two hundred dollars! It's one of the few he ever did in ballpoint!"
- IRS Agent: What's all this?
- Bracken: Well, you told me to bring all my records with me and I did. Here's some by Willie Nelson, Tammy Wynette, and Garth Brooks . . .
Jett was trying to light a match.
He struck the first one and it didn't work, so he threw it away.
He struck the second match. That didn't work either, so he tossed it.
Jett struck the third one and it lit up.
- That's a good one - said the idiot, blowing it out.
- Ah'm gonna save it!
- Why do rednecks act like such morons?
- Who says they're acting?
Why did the idiot drive his pickup truck over the side of the cliff?
→ He wanted to try out his new air brakes.
Did you hear about the idiot who filled out an employment application?
In the blank labeled "Church Preference" he filled in: Red brick.
Slim walked into his local post office and noticed a new sign on the wall: MAN WANTED FOR ROBBERY IN MONTANA
- Gosh! - he said, If n only that job was in Texas, Ah'd take it!
Did you hear about the Oklahoma idiot who married an American Indian? They had a baby and wanted to name it to reflect both races.
So they called it Running Dummy.
Did you hear about the idiot who planted Cheerios in his backyard?
He thought they were donut seeds.
Titus was on a Knoxville elevator with several other people. As the elevator moved up, he stared at the small fan revolving slowly in the elevator ceiling.
- It's amazing - he said to the other people, that such a small fan could lift all these people!
Four Independence boys, Pugh, Sumter, Kilby and Grayson, were walking down a Clay County road when they came to a high, solid brick wall. Wondering what was behind it, Pugh, Sumter and Kilby boosted Grayson so he could take a look. "Looks like one of them nudist camps," reported Grayson. "Men or women?" asked Pugh. "Can't tell," said Grayson. "They don't have no clothes on."
Did you hear about the hillbilly who asked his friends to give him their burnt-out light bulbs. He wanted to start a dark room.
Kowalski and Janzek left Hamtramack and went out in the woods looking for Christmas trees.
They looked all day without any luck.
Near nightfall Kowalski finally said:
- Janzek, I'm takin' the next tree we come to, whether it has lights on it or not!
The teacher asked a Louisiana teenager to count to five. The youngster proceeded to count to five on his fingers.
Then the teacher asked:
- Can you count any higher?
The boy raised his hands over his head and counted to five again.
Did you hear about the Brooklyn bubblebrain who was two hours late for work because the escalator got stuck?
Treadwell walked into a Biloxi stationery store and asked:
- Have you got any invisible ink?
- Certainly sir - said the owner.
- What color?
