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What did the stupid ghost do?
→ He used to climb over walls.

Two men were knocking in nails to the sides of a house, one of them kept throwing them away.

- Why do you keep throwing nails away - said the other.

- Because they have the point at the wrong end - he replied

- You fool, we could use those on the other side of the house!

Why did the idiot plant nickels in his garden?
→ He wanted to raise some hard cash.

What do you get when you cross an idiot with a watch?
→ A cuckoo clock.

I can't understand the critics saying that only an idiot would like that television program. I really enjoyed it.

Did you hear about the village idiot buying bird seed?
He said he wanted to grow some birds.

Did you hear about the idiot who made his chickens drink boiling water?
He thought they would lay hard boiled eggs.

How does an idiot call for his dog?
→ He puts two fingers in his mouth and then shouts Rover.

A man went into a pet shop to buy a parrot. He was shown an especially fine one which he liked the look of, but he was puzzled by the two strings which were tied to its feet.

- What are they for? - he asked the pet shop manager.

- Ah well, sir, that's a very unusual feature of this particular parrot. You see, he's a trained parrot, sir, he used to be in the circus. If you pull the string on his left foot he says 'Hello' and if you pull the string on his left foot he says 'Goodbye'. - came the reply.

- And what happens if you pull both strings at once?

- I fall off my perch, you fool! - screeched the parrot.

Did you hear about the fool who keeps going round saying "no"?

- No.

- Oh, so it's you!

- Fred: Do you think I'm a fool?

- Harry: No. But what's my opinion against thousands of others?

A couple of hunters from Prague are out hunting, and an emormous bear runs up and in a single gulp devours one of the hunters.
Miraculously, the swallowed hunter remained alive, trapped in the belly of the grizzly.
The other hunter runs back to town and organizes a rescue party which heads back to the woods armed with torches, guns, spears, etc.

Soon they spot two bears on the horizon and everybody starts shooting at the bear that's closest to them.

- No, not that one - shouts the surviving hunter.

- That's the female.

- The Czech is in the male.

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said:

- Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself.

The reporter said:

- Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same.

The old explorer said:

- No, not then - just now when I went 'ROARRRR!'

What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food?
→ 'Let us prey.'

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a fool-proof plan.
They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume, and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.

When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said:

- Okay, lets get out and get him.

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted:

Two rednecks from Arkansas were out hunting.

They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something.

The first redneck says to the other:

- If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you.

After about three hours, the second redneck finds he is really lost. He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then waits an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo.

The next morning, the first redneck finds the second with the help of forest rangers. He asks the second redneck man if he did what he told him to do.

The redneck answers:

Did you hear about the bear hunter?

Well, he was out hunting for bears one day, and soon came across a large, trophy sized bear. He raised his rifle and took careful aim. Just as he was about to pull the trigger, the bear turned and began to speak to him!

- Isn't it better to talk than to shoot? What do you want? Let's negotiate the matter - said the bear.

Lowering his rifle in shock, the hunter thought a second, and then replied:

- I want a fur coat.

What's the easiest way for a Gorilla hunter to make money?
→ Collect unemployment insurance!

The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said:

- I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were were unable to make service because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer.

One hunter groaned:

- Well, it worked. They're all safe.

What's the difference between a hunter and a fisherman?
→ A hunter lies in wait. A fisherman waits and lies.

What do you get if you cross a telephone with a hunting dog?
→ A golden receiver!

What is the best way to hunt bear?
→ With your clothes off

Two fathers and two sons went duck hunting.
Each shot a duck but they shot only three ducks in all. How come?
→ The hunters were a man, his son and his grandson.

What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter?
→ "Quack! Quack! Quack!"

Dick and Bob were on a hunting trip. At nightfall, Dick complained:

- We've been hunting all day. We've shot at five deer - and not hit one!

- OK. Let's miss two more and then head back to camp - said Bob.