Redneck Jokes

You're a redneck if...

• You have more fingers than you do teeth
• You cut your grass and find a car
• You consider Denny's a Fancy Resturant
• Your best Suit contains more than 5 colors
• Your age is higher than your I.Q.
• Your favorite pickup line is "Does this look infected to you?"
• You ask your wife wheather the spot on your neck is a boil or a mole and she replies "Its a gummy bear."
• You have a family reunion and everyone in town shows up.
• You say "Watch this" everytime before you goto the hospital.
• Your wife and ex-wife are sisters.

Before heading south for a vacation, it may be a good idea to learn the language of our southern brothers and sisters. And we're here to help...

Hah Tu Spek Suthun:

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I taint herd from him in munts."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"

Even more clues you could be a Redneck...

• You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
• You've ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.
• You think the Bud Bowl is real.
• Your dog goes "oink!"
• You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
• Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.
• You know how to milk a goat.
• Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache.
• Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
• You've ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside.
• Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
• You have a refrigerator just for beer.
• You come back from the dump with more than you took.
• Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.
• You've ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.
• You don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
• You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
• You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.
• The most common phrase heard in your house is, "Somebody go jiggle the handle."
• You can't take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.

Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard.

One of the men walked into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.

He returned shortly and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a moment and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, he returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house..."

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

- Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us.

- Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?

- Baaaaa...

Top ten indicators that a redneck has been working on your computer

10. The monitor is up on blocks.
11. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
12. The six front keys have rotted out.
13. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.
14. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
15. The password is "Huntin".
16. The CPU has a gun rack mount.
17. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
18. The keyboard is camouflaged.
19. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

You know you are in a Texas church when:

• People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.
• The preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys stand up.
• The restrooms are outside.
• Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
• A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
• When it rains, everyone is smiling.
• Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice.
• The choir group is known as the "OK Chorale".
• The pastor wears boots.
• Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.
• There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.
• Baptism is referred to as "branding".
• There is a special fund raiser for a new septic tank.
• Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
• High notes on the organ can set the dogs to howling.
• People wonder, when Jesus fed 5000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish.
• People think "rapture" is when you lift something too heavy.
• The final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now, ya hear?"

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomania Convention in Chicago".

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba.."

A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.

The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?"

The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your maw!"

• You recycle your own toilet paper
• Your mom has to shave more times a month than your dad
• You see a bill board that says "Don't do crack" and it reminds you to pull up your pants.
• You stare at a carton of orange juice because it says "concentrate."
• Your bumper sticker reads: "One more Whore and We Get Gore."
• The nativity scene you set up in your yard at Christmas includes two pink flamingos and baby Jesus lying in a painted tire.
• Most of your teeth are on a chain around your neck.
• You hunt from your bedroom window.
• Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.
• You refrigerate your food stamps.
• You use a 10 penny nail to pick your teeth after a night of road kill.
• You have ever dressed your child as a "Snot-rag" for Halloween.
• Your idea of a loaded dishwasher is getting your wife drunk.
• You and your spouse get divorced and you are still relatives.
• You go to your local ice cream store and order Copenhagen "sprinkles" on your cone.
• You know instinctively that red wine goes with opossum.
• You're always looking to find your Mother-in-Law's picture on the back of a milk carton!
• The officer that just pulled you over asks if "you have any I.D."..and you respond "About whut?"
• You take a beer to a job interview.
• You are caught roll'n your trailer down the street to jump start the heater.
• When you finish eatin' your bologna you use the rind for dental floss.
• You go to Goodwill to meet women.
• You and your friends are putting an engine in a pickup, drinking beer, and the conversation is: Which county jail has the best food!