Random joke from this category
Every Christmas morning, when my kids were little, I read them the nativity story out of the big family bible.
When my son was old enough to talk, he asked me what a stable was.
I thought for a moment how to explain it to him in terms he could understand, then told him, "It's something like your sister's room, but without a stereo."
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly. "Why are you crying?" the father asked.
"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the stupidity in the horse's brain instead of on his back."
The advice your son rejected is now being given by him to your grandson.
Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life.
Parents often talk about the younger generations as if they didn't have anything to do with it.
With four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time jobs, our schedule was hectic.
To add to this, we kept running out of household supplies.
I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any item by writing it down on a note pad on the refrigerator.
As a reminder, I wrote at the top: "IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN."
When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I found the following message:
"MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT 'OUT OF IT.'"
Things Mom Would Never Say
The First Parent by Bill Cosby
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids. After creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?", Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
"Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?"
"It's over there," said God, wondering why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and He was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Adam answered.
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone dialed 911. When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.
"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower."
My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICINE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"
My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you... Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You are just like your father!"
My mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING...
"You are going to get it when we get home."
And, my all-time favorite - JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU -- then you'll see what it's like!"
