Instrument Jokes

How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
→ The bow is moving.

A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be.

The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned the house down."

The violist replied, "You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?"

A violist and a cellist were standing on a sinking ship together.

"Help!" cried the cellist, "I can't swim!"

"Don't worry," said the violist, "just fake it."

How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?
→ Write a whole note with "solo" above it.

When a 16-inch viola and a 17-inch viola are dropped simultaneously from a 30-story building, which one hits the pavement first?
→ Who cares!

Why are orchestra intermissions only twenty minutes long?
→ So the violists don't need to be retrained.

Which positions does a violist use?
→ First, third, and emergency.

How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
→ Neither one strikes in the same place twice.

What is the definition of a major seventh?
→ A violist playing octaves.

Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording?
→ Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.