Gender Jokes

Reasons why it's great to be a man:

• Your butt is never a factor in a job interview.
• Your orgasms are real. Always.
• Chocolate is just another snack.
• You can be president.
• You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
• You don't give a crap if no one notices your new haircut.
• The world is your urinal.
• Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
• You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
• Same work ... more pay.
• Wrinkles add character.
• You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
• Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
• If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
• People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
• The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
• Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
• Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
• Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?"
• One mood, ALL the damn time.
• Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat!
• You know stuff about tanks.
• You can open all your own jars.
• Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
• You can go to a public toilet without a support group.
• You can leave the motel bed unmade.
• You can kill your own food.
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
• Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
• If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
• Everything on your face stays its original color.
• You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
• You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
• No maxi-pads.
• You don't mooch off other's desserts.
• You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
• You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
• You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
• You almost never have strap problems in public.
• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
• You don't have to shave below your neck.
• Your belly usually hides your big hips.
• One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
• You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
• You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
• Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

Men are just like a Dog...here's proof!

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both are threatened by their own kind.
4. Both like to chew wood.
5. Both mark their territory.
6. Both are bad at asking you questions.
7. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
8. Both tend to smell riper with age.
9. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
10. Neither does any dishes.
11. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
12. Both like dominance games.
13. Both are suspicious of the postman.
14. Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
15. Neither understands what you see in cats.

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"

The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you!"

The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants!"

Why did God give man a penis?
→ So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up!

What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for?
→ Its Braille for "suck here."

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?
→ Lipstick.

Why do women close their eyes during sex?
→ They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?
→ They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
→ After 5 years your job will still suck.

How is a women like a condom?
→ Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

What's the difference between a '90's woman and a computer?
→ A '90's woman won't accept a three and a half inch floppy.

IT'S NOT EASY BEING A GUY

Pity us men.........

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework, you're a sissy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your but and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.

If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.

If you thump her, it's wife bashing.

If she thumps you, it's self defense.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.

If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.

If you don't, you're a fag.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.

If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.

If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.

If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.

If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.

If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed.

If you don't, there must be someone else.

Why it's better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

Yesterday, after extensive testing, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones... yes, it's true.

To prove their theory, the scientists had 100 men consume 12 bottles of beer.

They then observed that 100% of them:

1. Gained weight.
2. Talked excessively without making sense.
3. Became emotional.
4. Called home just to see if anyone called.
5. Couldn't drive.
6. Went to the bathroom in groups.
7. Rearranged the furniture for no apparent reason.

No further testing is planned.

What do you call an open can of tuna in a Lesbians apartment?
→ Po-pouri!!!

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.

He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked - "What gender is a computer"?

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Thoughts From Women About Being A Woman

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. (Helen Hayes, at 73)

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrow. (Janette Barber)

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. (Lily Tomlin)

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. (Carrie Snow)

Old age ain't no place for sissies. (Bette Davis)

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. (Catherine Aird)

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. (Rhonda Hansome)

The phrase "working mother" is redundant. (Jane Sellman)

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. (Charlotte Whitton)

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. (Caryn Leschen)

Whoever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. (Jan King)

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. (Jennifer Unlimited)

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow! (Kathy Buckley)

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb and I'm also not blonde. (Dolly Parton)

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. (Erica Jong)

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. (Sue Grafton)

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. (Laurie Kuslansky)

I think - therefore I'm single. (Lizz Winstead)

You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears. (Geri Jewell)

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. (Elayne Boosler)

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. (Maryon Pearson)

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man - if you want anything done, ask a woman. (Margaret Thatcher)

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. (Gloria Steinem)

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home who answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night. (Marie Corelli)

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck? (Linda Ellerbee)

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. (Eleanor Roosevelt)