Gender Jokes

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE
She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.
She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
→ None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
→ Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
→ It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
→ When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
→ You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men break wind more than women?
→ Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
→ The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
→ A woman that won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives?
→ They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

- Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

- Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man shakes his head, opens it and says "You take the first drink", then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately chugs half of it, puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The woman asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The man replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..."

Why it's better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

10. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
11. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
12. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
13. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
14. You're using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT."
15. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
16. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
17. You're counting down the days until menopause.
18. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
19. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and again she yelled: "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE!!?"

Then she heard a voice from far, far away: "Hello! We're down here..."

Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.

1. Combatting Stupidity
2. You Too Can Do Housework
3. Resistance to Beer
4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)
6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")
8. Get A Life - Learn To Cook
9. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong
10. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right
11. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
12. You, The Weaker Sex
13. Reasons To Give Flowers
14. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
15. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please
16. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat
17. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies
18. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost
19. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
20. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes
21. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too
22. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
23. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
24. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
25. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home
26. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary
27. You Don't Really Need That Porsche

Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue

Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.

1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag
2. You Can Change The Oil Too
3. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
4. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas
5. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
6. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
7. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around
8. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop
9. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
10. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
11. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right
12. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
13. You, The Whining Sex
14. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
15. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
16. How To Close The Garage Door
17. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation
18. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
19. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank
20. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
21. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
22. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
23. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
24. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
25. You Too Can Carry A Backpack
26. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
27. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men
28. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
29. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste

When it comes to human sexuality, men are like microwave ovens and women are crockpots.

For those of you who don't already know, these are the rules that are in effect in every relationship.

1. The female always makes the rules.
2. These rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No male can possibly know all the rules.
4. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
5. The female is never wrong.
6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a vagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male said or did wrong.
7. If rule number 6 applies, the male must immediately apologize for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent of the female.
10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether she wants him to be calm, angry or upset.
13. Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm.
14. The female always gets the last word!

(*) These rules are subject to change as the female sees fit. All rules are null and void under the PMS Exception Law

Girl Lingo:

• The Franklin Factor: Early to bed and early to rise means it's time to meet more guys.
• The Rat Race: If there's one rat in a room full of nice men, he'll hit on you first.
• The Eyeglass Prescription: Don't wear your glasses on a blind date. You'll look better, and he will too.
• The Ring Rule: A watched telephone never rings.
• The Creep Call: Never pick up the phone on Saturday night. It's a call from a creep you told you were busy.
• The Fishing Forecast: They say there are lots of good fish in the sea. But who wants to go out with a fish?
• The Psychological Prognosis: Love is a form of temporary insanity curable by marriage.
• The Rope Trick: Give a man enough rope and he'll lasso another woman.
• Mind Over Matter: No one ever falls in love with another person's mind at a cocktail party.
• The Fault Finder: The faster way to discover all your bad habits is to move in with your lover.
• The Unintended Result: 1) Men's desire for sex sometimes results in intimacy; 1a) Men often go looking for sex and end up finding love; 2) Women's desire for intimacy often results in sex; 2a) Women often go looking for love and end up finding only sex.
• The Rabbit Rule: Only newlyweds and liars make love every day.
• The Dangle Doctrine: You can't keep a good man down.
• Twain's Truth: Familarity breeds children.
• The Fertility Factor: Women are only fertile a few days each month, unless they're single.
• The Preparation Predicament: The longer you spend in the bathroom preparing for sex, the more likely he's fallen asleep by the time you're ready.