Gender Jokes

Random joke from this category

Computers: Male Or Female

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:

  1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
  2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
  3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
  4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

  1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
  2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
  3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
  4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories.

Men And Women Compared

NICKNAMES: If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out for a beer, they will affectionately refer to each other as LardAss, Butt-Breath, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument!

DRESSING UP: A man will dress up for weddings, funerals. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

LOOKS: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. ( I invite any woman to prove me wrong! :)

Adam And Eve's Choice

God was talking to Adam and Eve one day just before Creation. He asked, "Well, you two, I only have a couple more goodies left to hand out before my job is done. Which one of you wants to be able to pee standing up?"

Adam raises his hand and yells "Me, Me, pick me!!" So God obliged.

God looks at Eve and says - "Well, sorry Eve...but it looks like you're stuck with the multiple orgasms."

Men Say, Men Mean

I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you.
What's wrong? = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this.
What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
I'm bored. = Do you want to have sex?
I love you. = Let's have sex now.
I love you, too. = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before.
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
Let's talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
(while shopping) I like that one better. = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together. = I am gay.

College Courses for Men

New College Courses for Men as Prepared by Women:

  1. Combating Stupidity
  2. You, Too, Can Do Housework
  3. PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
  4. How to Fill an Ice Tray
  5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money
  6. Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4:00am
  7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks")
  8. Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception
  9. Get a Life: Learn to Cook
  10. How Not to Act Like an Asshole When You're Obviously Wrong
  11. Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right
  12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
  13. You: The Weaker Sex
  14. Reasons to Give Flowers
  15. How to Stay Awake After Sex
  16. Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the Bathroom
  17. Garbage: Getting it to the Curb
  18. You Can Fall Asleep Without IT if You Really Try
  19. The Morning Dilemma if IT's awake: Take a Shower
  20. I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please
  21. How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled "No, It's Not a Bidet")
  22. "The Weekend" and "Sports" are Not Synonyms
  23. Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses are Bullshit
  24. How to Go Shopping with Your Mate and Not Get Lost
  25. The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
  26. Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex
  27. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes
  28. Mother-in-Laws: They are People Too
  29. Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home
  30. You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
  31. Seeing the True You (formerly titled "No, You Don't Look Like Brad Pitt When Naked")
  32. Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works
  33. The Attainable Goal: Omitting TITS From Your Vocabulary
  34. Fluffing the Blankets After Flatulating is Not Necessary
  35. Techniques of Calling Home
  36. Introductory Foreplay: The Drive Home Does Not Count.

Impressing Women and Men

How To Impress a Woman:

  • Compliment her
  • Cuddle her
  • Kiss her
  • Tease her
  • Comfort her
  • Hug her
  • Send her flowers
  • Wine and dine her
  • Listen to her
  • Care for her
  • Hold her
  • Support her

How to Impress a Man:
Show up naked..... with beer.

His and Hers Definitions

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger.
male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.

Women's and Men's English

Women's English:

  • Yes = No
  • No = Yes
  • Maybe = No
  • I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
  • We need = I want
  • It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
  • Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
  • We need to talk = I need to complain.
  • Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.
  • I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
  • You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
  • You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
  • Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
  • This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
  • I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
  • Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
  • I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
  • Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
  • How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
  • I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
  • Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
  • You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
  • Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
  • Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep.
  • I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is Important.
  • The same old thing = Nothing
  • Nothing = Everything
  • Everything = My PMS is acting up.
  • Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole.

Men's English:

  • "I'm hungry" = I'm hungry.
  • "I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy.
  • "I'm tired" = I'm tired.
  • "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
  • "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
  • "Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
  • "May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
  • "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
  • "You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
  • "What's wrong?" = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this.
  • "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
  • "What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
  • "I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
  • "I love you." = Let's have sex now.
  • "I love you, too." = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!
  • "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
  • "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
  • "Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
  • "Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
  • (while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
  • "I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = I am gay.

New Chemical Elements

Two new chemical elements have recently been discovered. Here for the first time is a description of their properties.

Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses Strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.