Clean Jokes

What did the ballerina do when she hurt her foot?
→ She called the toe truck!

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
→ A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn." A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!

What do you call skydiving lawyers?
→ Skeet.

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
→ Because it scares the dog.

How do crazy people go through the forest?
→ They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water?
→ Boil the hell out of it.

What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall?
→ "Dam!"

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
→ Polaroids.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
→ A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
→ Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
→ Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
→ Quatro sinko.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
→ Frostbite.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
→ A nervous wreck.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
→ Right where you left him.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
→ Because they have big fingers

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
→ Sanka.

Why does a pilgrim's pants always fall down?
→ Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.

How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
→ Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

Why is it hard for a ghost to tell a lie?
→ Because you can see right through him.

What goes TICK-TICK, WOOF-WOOF?
→ A watchdog!

Why do male deer need braces?
→ Because they have "buck teeth!"

Here's a fun tongue twister.

Read the following list and then follow the instructions at the end.

Read it LOUD and REAL FAST...see if you can do it!

DON'T read the instructions until you get it right!!!

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is fool cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Did ya do it? Now go back up and read the third word in each line starting from the top to the bottom :)

How do you get down from an elephant?
→ You don't. You get down from a duck.

Why did the elephant paint himself all different colors?
→ So he could hide in the crayon box.

Why do elephants have wrinkles?
→ Because they are so hard to iron.

Why did the elephant put skates on before he went to bed?
→ Because he wanted to get rolling in the morning.

Why can't an elephant ride a tricycle?
→ Because it doesn't have a thumb to ring the bell.

Why do elephants wear sunglasses?
→ So no one will recognize them.

Why are elephants such poor dancers?
→ Because they have two left feet.

What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence?
→ Time to get a new fence.

Why can't elephants go swimming at the beach?
→ Because they can't keep their trunks up.

- Knock! Knock!

- Who's there?

- Rita.

- Rita who?

- Rita book, you might learn something.

- Knock! Knock!

- Who's there?

- Police.

- Police who?

- Police open the door, I'm tired of knocking.

- Knock! Knock!

- Who's there?

- Henrietta.

- Henrietta who?

- Henrietta worm that was in his apple.

- Knock! Knock!

- Who's there?

- Carrie.

- Carrie who?

- Carrie on with what you're doing, I'm at the wrong door.

- Knock! Knock!

- Who's there?

- Anita.

- Anita who?

- Anita drink of water.

- Knock! Knock!

- Who's there?

- Dwain.

- Dwain who?

- Dwain the bathtub, I'm dwrowning.

What's red and goes up and down?
→ A tomato in an elevator.

What did one tube of glue say to the other tube of glue?
→ We have to stick together.

What do you say when you meet a two-headed monster?
→ Hello, hello.

What do you call a sleeping bull?
→ A bulldoser.

When is a baseball player like a thief?
→ When he steals a base.

What did the can say to the can opener?
→ You make me flip my lid.

What is a volcano?
→ A mountain with the hiccups.

What do you find at the end of everything?
→ The letter "g".

What did the elephant do when he hurt his toe?
→ He called a toe truck.

Why do two skunks argue?
→ Because they like to kick up a stink.

What did the adding machine say to the cashier?
→ You can count on me.

What is the best way to keep dogs out of the street?
→ Put them in a barking lot.

Why did the cat sleep with a fan on?
→ He wanted to be a cool cat.

What did the painter say to the wall?
→ One more crack and I'll plaster you.

Why is baseball like a cake?
→ They both need batters.

What did one dandelion say to the other dandelion?
→ Take me to your weeder.

What kind of shoes do you make with banana skins?
→ Slippers!

What did the rug say to the floor?
→ I've got you covered!

How do you make antifreeze?
→ You steal her blanket.

Why does a cow wear a bell?
→ Because her horns don't work.

What's red and goes up and down?
→ A tomato in an elevator.

What did one tube of glue say to the other tube of glue?
→ We have to stick together.

What do you say when you meet a two-headed monster?
→ Hello, hello.

What do you call a sleeping bull?
→ A bulldoser.

When is a baseball player like a thief?
→ When he steals a base.

What did the can say to the can opener?
→ You make me flip my lid.

What is a volcano?
→ A mountain with the hiccups.

What do you find at the end of everything?
→ The letter "g".

What did the elephant do when he hurt his toe?
→ He called a toe truck.

Why do two skunks argue?
→ Because they like to kick up a stink.

What did the adding machine say to the cashier?
→ You can count on me.

What is the best way to keep dogs out of the street?
→ Put them in a barking lot.

Why did the cat sleep with a fan on?
→ He wanted to be a cool cat.

What did the painter say to the wall?
→ One more crack and I'll plaster you.

Why is baseball like a cake?
→ They both need batters.

What did one dandelion say to the other dandelion?
→ Take me to your weeder.

What kind of shoes do you make with banana skins?
→ Slippers!

What did the rug say to the floor?
→ I've got you covered!

How do you make antifreeze?
→ You steal her blanket.

Why does a cow wear a bell?
→ Because her horns don't work.

What did the whale say to the dolphin when he pushed him???
→ I didn't do it on porpoise!!!