Newest jokes

A jogger running down a country road is startled as a horse yells at him:

- Hey-come over hear buddy. The jogger is stunned but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks:

- Were you talking to me? The horse replies:

- Sure was, man, I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a plow and I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me. I'll make you some money cause I can still run. The jogger thought to himself:

- boy a talking horse

Dollar signs started appearing in his head.

So he runs to the house and the old farmer is sitting on the porch. The jogger tells the farmer:

- Hey man I'll give you $5,000 for that old broken down nag you've got in the field. The farmer replies:

- Son you can't believe anything that horse says-He's never even been to Kentucky.

There was a farmer who had a lot of live stock. He had cows, horses, chickens, pigs, and bulls.

One day a terrible twister came and the man and his family were only saved by throwing themselves in the nearest ditch. After it was all over, he looked up to see that the house was gone. Saddened by the loss, he went out to see if any of the animals had survived. The horses, chickens, pigs, and cows were laid out flat but the bulls were standing! The farmer was amazed and asked them:

- How is it that all the other animals are down and you are still standing?

The bulls replied:

- We bulls wobble but we don't fall down!

This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100.

The neighbor says:

- You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud.

So the farmer takes him home and says:

- It's your first day so take it slow, okay?

The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond.

The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead.

The farmer says:

- Roy, did you have to die?

Roy says:

- Quiet! They're about to land!

How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Four - three to cut a hole in the roof and one to change the bulb.

A man calls the fire department and says:

- Yes, I have just had my front yard landscaped, I have a nice new flower bed, a new fish pond with a fountain and a new rose garden.

- Very nice, - the firefighter says - but what does that have to do with the fire service?

- Well, - the man answers - the house next door is on fire and I don't want you to trample my front yard.

A man who worked at a fire hydrant factory was always late for work.
When confronted by his boss the man explained:

- You can't park anywhere near this place!

After the fire-truck arrived at a burning building in a small Spanish town, the firemen observed a man dressed in a matador's costume prancing around on the roof. Four of the firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape from the burning building by jumping into the net. He refused and loudly proclaimed:

- I'm Fearless Jose the bullfighter who fears nothing, not even fire.

The firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail. Jose kept prancing around while repeating the same phrase over and over until the firemen got really sick and tired of hearing it. Finally, when the flames began to scorch his butt, Jose announced he had changed his mind, was ready to jump and then leaped off the rooftop. As his body hurtled toward the safety-net, the four firemen shouted, "Ole!" and quickly moved it aside.

The Fire brigade phones George Graham in the early hours of Sunday morning.

- Mr Graham sir, White Hart Lane is on fire!

- The cups man! Save the cups! - cries George.

- Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir.

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says:

- Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now.

The mexican man pleads with them:

- No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says:

- Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence

The Mexican man of course agrees.

The Border Patrol Agent tells him:

- The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence.

The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says:

- Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said:

- Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser.

- Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies:

- I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care.

The second Englishman remarked:

- You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn.

So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said:

- Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!

- Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies:

- You're right. He's unshakable!

The third Englishman remarked:

- Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch.

So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said:

- I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!

- Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me.