Newest jokes

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful lady.

- May I buy you a drink? - the man asks the lady.

- Sure, but one thing I have to confess before you get intimate is that I was once a man - she responds.

- Whoa! I would have never known if you hadn't told me - the man says shocked.

- Well what was the worst part of the operation? Was it when they sewed on those gahoonas?

- No - she says calmly.

- What about when they cut off your..

- No - she says hesitantly.

- Well what was the worst part of the operation? - the man asks.

- Well, the worst part has to be when they removed half of my brain!

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.

Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.

- I'm afraid I have some very bad news - the doctor says.

- You're dying, and you don't have much time left.

- Oh, that's terrible! - says the man.

- How long have I got?

- Ten - the doctor says sadly.

- Ten? - the man asks.

- Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?

- Nine...

- Eight...

- Seven...

A redneck named Clyde died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Clem and Zeke, were sent for.

Clem went in first, and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Clem said:

- Yup, he's burnt real bad; but you'll have to roll him over if you want me to identify him.

So the mortician rolled the corpse over and Clem looked and said:

- Nope, it ain't Clyde.

The mortician thought that was rather strange, but proceeded to bring in Zeke to identify the body. After the sheet was pulled back, Zeke took a look and said:

- Yup, he's burnt real bad; roll him over.

So, again the mortician rolled the burnt corpse over, and Zeke looked down and said:

- Nope, it ain't Clyde.

Frustrated, the mortician asked:

- How can you tell?

Zeke answered:

- Well, Clyde had two assholes.

- What!? - The disbelieving mortician asked.

- He had TWO assholes?

- Yup, that's right, everybody knew Clyde had two assholes.

Ever time we went to town, folks would say...'Here comes that thar Clyde with them two assholes!'

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks:

- Is your date running late?

- No - he replies.

- I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.

The intrigued woman says:

- A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?

- It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me - he explains.

- Oh really? What's it telling you now? - she inquires.

- Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...

The woman giggles and replies:

- Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!

And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says:

- Damn thing must be an hour fast!

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy:

- You're in charge of sweeping.

To the Irishman he says:

- You're in charge of shovelling.

To the Chinese guy:

- You're in charge of supplies.

He then says:

- Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile.

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.

He says to the Italian:

- Why didn't you sweep any of it!?

The Italian replies in a heavy accent:

- I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him.

Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue:

- Aye, ye did lad, but I counna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I counna fin' him.

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells...!!

- Supplies!!

- There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.

- Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods... Cats have never forgotten this.

- Here's proof that Cats are smarter than dogs... You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

- Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later.

- People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life.

- Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God!

- Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel.

- I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.

- My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes.

- Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit!

A guy walked into a pet store looking for a Christmas gift for his wife. The storekeeper said he knew exactly what would please her and took a little bird out of its cage.

- This is Chet - he said.

- and Chet can sing Christmas carols and songs.

Seeing the look of disbelief on the customer's face, he proceeded to demonstrate.

- He needs warming up - he said.

- Lend me your cigarette lighter.

The storekeeper lifted Chet's left wing and waved the flame lightly under it. Immediately, Chet sang: Oh Come, All Ye Faithful.

- That's fantastic - said the customer.

- And listen to this - said the storekeeper, warming Chet's other wing.

Chet sang: O Little Town of Bethlehem.

- Wrap him up - said the customer.

- I'll take him!

When he got home he greeted his wife:

- Honey, I can't wait until Christmas to show you what I got you. This is fantastic.

He unwrapped Chet's cage and showed the bird to his wife.

- Now, watch and listen.

He raised Chet's left wing and held him over a Christmas candle that was burning on the mantlepiece. Chet immediately began to sing Silent Night. The wife was delighted. As Chet's right wing was warmed over the flame, he sang Joy To The World.

- Let me try it - said the wife, seizing he bird. In her eagerness, she held Chet a little too close to the candle flame. Chet began to sing passionately:

- Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire!

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.

Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said:

- Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for... but what's the BEER for?

At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.

The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse:

- Come on, nurse!!!... I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!

Some things I've learned from my children:

- Super glue is forever.

- No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. Pool filters do not like Jell-O!

- A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

- Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

- Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

- If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of 20 by 20 foot room.

- You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. And the glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

- Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

- VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.

- Always look in the oven before you turn it on. It's been proven that plastic toys do not like ovens.

- Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

- If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

- The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Three doctors arrived in heaven. St. Peter asked the first one why he should be let into heaven.

The doctor said:

- Because I won the Nobel Peace Prize for my work.

The second doctor was a little worried when his turn came. He said:

- I haven't won any prizes, but I've started free clinics and helped those in need for free.

St. Peter let him in.

The third doctor said:

- I'm responsible for all the HMO's across the United States.

St. Peter thought about it for a minute and said:

- OK... I'll let you in, but only for three days!