Newest jokes

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.

Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.

- No - the inmate said.

- just get it over with.

- Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go? - said the guard.

- You didn't even want a special last meal!

The inmate thought.

- Actually - he said.

- Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions.

The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.

The inmate started singing:

- One billion bottles of beer on the wall...

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say:

- Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl, and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed:

- Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?

- Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came.

I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!

Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says:

- Someone should go and tell his wife.

Bill says:

- OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.

2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.

Charlie says:

- Where did you get that, Bill?

- Steve's wife gave it to me.

- That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?

Bill says:

- Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow.'

- 'No, I'm not a widow.' - she said.

And I said:

- Wanna bet me a six-pack?

Things that can and do bother the "normal" person.

- Having to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thingy in the middle of them.

- The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle. The same person that gives you a "blank stare" when you look at them.

- There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.

- You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

- It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug. Especailly since you don't even have a dog!

- There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

- You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

- Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.

- You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.

- You slice your tongue licking an envelope...

OUCH!

- Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.

- You wash a garment with one tiny tissue in the pocket, and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.

- A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling...

DOUBLE OUCH!

- People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.

- You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it!

- You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.

- You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

How do you keep a idiot occupied?

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(he-he)(woo-hoo!) (yee-haa!)

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant:

- What are you charged with?

- Doing my Christmas shopping early sir - replied the defendant.

- Well that's not an crime - said the judge!

- How early were you doing this shopping?

- Before the store opened - answered the prisoner.

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER OVER SEATTLE."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to the Seattle airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position?

The pilot responded:

- I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building, because similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but totally useless answer!

Some quick thinking to get out of the "caught napping jam!"...

- They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.

- Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout again!

- I wasn't sleeping! I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

- This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!

- I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?

- Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem!

- I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without using my hands.

- The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot!

The real interpretation of corportate titles:

CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD

- Leaps tall building in a single bound

- Is more powerful than a locomotive

- Is faster than a speeding bullet

- Walks on water

- Discusses policy with God

PRESIDENT

- Leaps short buildings in a single bound

- Is more powerful than a switch engine

- Is just as fast as a speeding bullet

- Walks on water if the sea is calm

- Talks with God

EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT

- Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.

- Is almost as powerful as a switch engine

- Is faster than a speeding BB.

- Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool

- Talks with God if special request is approved

VICE PRESIDENT

- Barely clears a Quonset hut

- Loses tug-of-war with a locomotive

- Can fire a speeding bullet

- Swims well

- Is occasionally addressed by God

GENERAL MANAGER

- Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings

- Is run over by locomotive

- Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury

- Dog paddles

- Talks to animals

MANAGER

- Runs into buildings

- Recognizes locomotive two out of three times

- Is not issued ammunition

- Can't stay afloat with a life preserver

- Talks to walls

TRAINEE

- Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter building

- Says "look at the choo-choo"

- Wets him/herself with a water pistol

- Plays in mud puddles

- Mumbles to him/herself

SECRETARY

- Lifts buildings and walks under them

- Kicks locomotives off the tracks

- Catches speeding bullets in his/her teeth

- Freezes water with a single glance

- To all of the above...is God!

If you're feeling a bit stressed, try these to deal with it...

• Dance naked in front of your pets.
• Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send them off to school as if nothing is wrong. (NOTE: this also works well with the hubby who stayed at the pub too long.)
• Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at once. (Always have a witness on hand, just in case you attempt the Guiness World Record)
• Tattoo "out to lunch" on your forehead.
• Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
• Find out what a frog in a blender "really" looks like. (Hamster in the microwave works well too.)
• Sit naked on a shelled hard boiled egg. ("Don't knock it until you try it!")
• Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
• Make up a language and ask people for directions. (Works great at 7-11's!)
• Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and place it back in the wrapper. (KIDS: make sure you make a nice note titled - For Daddy, I love you.)

NOTES and DISCLAIMERS:

If you are less than 18 years of age: always seek your parent's aproval before attempting any of the above. (Exemption: If the hamster bites you again, nuke him till he glows!)

If you are 18 years of age or older and even think about doing any of these: proceed to the nearest telephone book directory. Look up "clinical psychologist"... drive directly to the first one that accepts "walk-ins!"