Newest jokes

I'm a Fun-gi

There's this mushroom who walks into a bar one night. All he wants is one beer. So he goes up to the bar, hops up on the stool and asks the bartender for a beer.

- Bartender: Sorry mister, can't give it to ya.

- Mushroom: C'mon, just one beer..please?

- Bartender: Nope, can't do it.

The mushroom looks around and says again:

- C'mon, just..just one beer and then I'll leave you alone.

- Bartender: Look, for the last time... I'm not serving you the damn beer!

Finally the mushroom says to the bartender:

- Hey, c'mon man...

- I'm a Fun-gi!

Fun While Shopping

Have some fun on your next shopping trip, try these...

  • Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like, "Pick Me!! Pick Me!!"
  • Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme to "Mission Impossible".
  • When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "NO, NO! It's those voices again!"
  • Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
  • Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
  • Look right into the security cameras, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
  • When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
  • Set up a tent in the Camping Department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bed and Bath aisle.
  • Re-dress mannequins as you see fit.
  • Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares."
  • Make a trail of orange juice on the ground leading to the restrooms.
  • Try bras on over your clothes. (works very well if you're a man)
  • Run up to an employee, (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and yell at him, "I need tampons!"
  • Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they are not looking.

You Know You're a Teacher

- You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

- You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free."

- You believe "shallow gene pool" should have it's own box on the report card.

- You believe the staff room should have a Valium salt lick.

- When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.

- When you mention "vegetables" and you're not talking about a food group.

- You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.

- You wonder how some parents even managed to reproduce.

- You can't have children of your own, because there is no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it.

- You really encourage an obnoxious parent to check into home schooling.

Clinton Movie Titles

Some possible titles for the new Bill Clinton movie:

- Dial M for Monica

- Saving Clinton's Privates

- All the President's Women

- The Lying King

- Free Willy

- Terms of Impeachment

- Driving Miss Monica

- Independent Counsel Day

- The Six Commandments

- The Full Monica

- President on a Hot Tin Roof

- Red Faced in October

- Honey, I Shrunk the Presidency

- Bedtime for Bubba

- The Me Lie Massacre!

Death by Job Title

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

- I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession.

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.

- I'm a cop - says the first man.

- Then we will shoot your penis off! - said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.

- I'm a firemen - said the second man.

- Then we will burn your penis off! - said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man:

- And you, what do you do for a living?

And the third man answered, with a sly grin:

- I'm a lollipop salesman!

How Many Times

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

- C'mon, tell me - she asked for the thousandth time:

- how many women have you slept with?

- Baby - he protested:

- if I told you, you'd throw a fit.

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

- Okay - he said, then started to count on his fingers:

- One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen.....

Research Results

The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most frequently asked questions of women (i.e. relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior in accordance with the truths established below.

How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
→ Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.

Should I have sex on the first date?
→ YES. Before if possible.

What exactly happens during the act of sex?
→ Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

How long should the sex act last?
→ This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

What is "after play"?
→ After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "After play" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Does the size of the penis matter?
→ Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.

What about the female orgasm?
→ What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth!