Newest jokes

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
→ He worked it out with a pencil...

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
→ Because all those men already have boyfriends.

Seminars for Females (Prepared and presented by Males)

1. Elementary map reading
2. Crying and law enforcement
3. Advanced math seminar: Programming your VCR
4. You can go shopping for less than 4 hours
5. Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: A study in contrast.
6. PMS: It's your problem, not mine ("It's happened monthly since puberty-deal with it.")
7. Driving I. Getting past automatic transmissions
8. Driving II. The meaning of blinking orange lights
9. Driving III. Approximating a constant speed
10. Driving IV. Makeup and Driving; it's as simple as oil and water
11. Football: Not a game; a sacrament
12. Telephone Translations (Formerly titled, "Me too" equals "I love you")
13. How to earn your own money
14. Gift giving fundamentals (Formerly titled, "Fabric bad, electronics good")
15. Putting the seat down by yourself: Potential energy is on your side
16. Beyond "Clean and Dirty" - The nuances of wearable laundry
17. Yes, you can fill up at a self service station
18. Joys of the remote control; Reaping the benefits of 50 channels
19. What comes around, goes around: Why his credit card is not a toy
20. His best friend can be yours too
21. His poker games: Deal yourself out
22. Commitment Schmittment (Formerly titled, "Wedlock Schmedlock")
23. To honor and obey: Remembering the small print above "I do"
24. Why your mother is unwelcome in the house
25. Your mate: selfish bastard, or victimized sensitive man?

Seminars For Males (Prepared and Presented by Females)

1. Combatting stupidity
2. You too can do housework
3. PMS: Learn when to keep your mouth shut
4. How to fill an ice tray
5. We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas: give us money
6. Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4am
7. Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled, "Don't wash my silks")
8. Parenting: It doesn't end with conception
9. Get a life; learn to cook
10. How not to act like a jackass when you're obviously wrong
11. Spelling: Even you can get it right
12. Understanding your financial incompetence
13. You: The weaker sex
14. Reasons to give flowers
15. How to stay awake in public
16. Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom
17. Garbage: Getting it to the curb
18. You can fall asleep without it if you really try
19. The morning dilemma if IT is awake: Take a shower
20. I'll wear it if I damn well please
21. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly titled "No, it's not a bidet")
22. "The weekend" and "sports" are not synonyms
23. Give me a break: Why we know your excuses are bull
24. How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost
25. The remote control: Overcoming your dependency
26. Romanticism: Ideas other than sex
27. Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes
28. Mothers-in-law: They are people too
29. Male bonding: Leaving your friends at home
30. You too can be a designated driver
31. Seeing the true you (formerly titled, "You don't look like Mel Gibson when naked")
32. Changing your underwear: It really works
33. The attainable goal: removing "tits" from your vocabulary
34. Fluffing the blankets after flatulating is not necessary
35. Techniques for calling home before you leave work

Boss asks secretary:

- Do you know what the difference is between a Caesar Salad and a blowjob?

- No - says the secretary.

- Great, Let's do lunch. - the boss says.

Why did the baseball coach throw Cinderella off the team?
→ Because she ran away from the ball.

There is this guy who really takes care of his body. He lifts weights and jogs six miles every day.

One morning he looks into the mirror and admires his body and notices that he is suntanned all over with the one exception of his penis, which he readily decides to do something about.

He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he leaves sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she begins to move it around with the cane. Remarking to the other little old lady, she says:

- There is really no justice in the world.

The other little old lady says:

- What do you mean by that?

The first little old lady says:

- Look at that - When I was 20 - I was curious about it. When I was 30 - I enjoyed it. When I was 40 - I asked for it. When I was 50 - I paid for it. When I was 60 - I prayed for it. When I was 70 - I forgot about it. Now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat!

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other:

- I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs.

- Odd - her companion replied - but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.

- Two dogs, please - said one.

The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously:

- What part did you get?

Sam had been in the hectic newspaper business for twenty-five years when he decided that he was sick of the stress and quit his job. He bought 50 acres of land in the middle of Nowhere, Vermont. His place was so isolated that the postman came only once a week and he went to the grocery store only once a month.

After six months of near total isolation, he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and a big bearded Vermonter is standing there. He says:

- Names Enoch...your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday...thought you'd like to come.

- Great - replies Sam.

- After six months of living like this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thanks for inviting me.

As Enoch is leaving, he stops.

- Gotta warn you, though, there's gonna be some drinkin'.

- Not a problem. After 25 years in the newspaper business, I can drink with the best of them.

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops.

- More 'n likely gonna be some fightin', too.

Tough crowd, Sam thinks to himself.

- Well, I get along with people. Don't worry, I'll be there. Thanks again.

Once again, Enoch turns from the door:

- I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too.

- Now that is not a problem - Sam says.

- I've been up here all alone for six long months. I'll definitely be there.

- By the way, what should I wear?

Enoch stops in the doorway one last time and says...:

- Whatever you want. Just gonna be the 2 of us there.

Researchers say they've discovered a tree extract that could help to prevent herpes...

Must be a rubber tree...

At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.

- It opens at noon - answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.

- What time does the bar open? - he asks.

- Same time as before... Noon. - replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered:

- Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?

The clerk then answers:

- It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you.

- No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!