Newest jokes

Safety Tip: Calculus and automobiles don't mix -- never drink and derive

Have You heard about the new Divorce Barbie Doll?
→ It comes with all of Ken's stuff!

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Every time I think about exercise, I lie down til the thought goes away.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for remodeling." **caution - leave air holes.

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says:

- I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says:

- I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married.

- Why not - giggles the woman.

- Good - he replies.

- Get your own damn blanket!

A man and woman are seated next to each other on a plane. After takeoff, the woman violently sneezes and excuses herself to go to the bathroom...so the man stands up to let her out.

She returns, and 15 minutes later she sneezes again big time, and again excuses herself to go to the bathroom.

She returns again, and immediately sneezes, excusing herself to go to the bathroom.

The man, a little tired of jumping up so often...asks her:

- You keep sneezing, what's the problem?

The woman replies:

- I have a rare condition...every time I sneeze I have an orgasm.

He says:

- Oh... what are you taking for it?

She says:

- Pepper.

How do you know you've been kidnapped by a redneck?
→ He's asking 2 million dollars ransom in unmarked million dollar bills.

A man walks into the bathroom, and steps up to a urinal. He can't help but notice the short man at the urinal next to him, and the large penis this man has.

He says to the short man:

- Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice what a large penis you have.

The short man replies:

- I am a leprechaun, and I can grant you three wishes.

The man is kind of skeptical, but he decides to believe him anyway.

- OK - He says - I want to live in a mansion.

The short man replies:

- Sure. Tomorrow morning you will wake up in it.

The man says:

- Next, I want a beautiful girlfriend.

- OK - the short man replies - Tomorrow you will wake up next to her.

The man is still not sure whether to believe him, but he continues.

- I want a penis as large as yours.

- Alright, but there is one catch - the short man replies.

- What's that - the man asks?

- I have to have sex with you from behind - the short man says.

The other man thinks for a second, and decides anything is worth getting a penis that large.

- OK, go right ahead.

The short man starts to do his thing, and the other man says:

- I can't believe I'm gonna have a penis as big as yours.

The short man replies:

- I can't believe you thought I was a leprechaun!

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
→ A carrot! (boom tish!!)

An old lady was knitting as she was driving down the highway. A police officer drove alongside her car and yelled:

- Pull over!

The lady yelled back:

- No - mittens!

10 reasons why a dog doesn't use a computer:

10. T0o0p hqa5rxd 6tt0[o 6ty[p3e 2w9igtjh;pa3wds (It's hard to type with paws)
11. 'Sit' and 'stay' were hard enough; 'delete' and 'save' are out of the question.
12. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
13. Carpal Paw Syndrome.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway he's browsing www.purina.com or the '50 ways to skin a cat' sites.
15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrates.
16. Can't help attacking the screen when he hears, 'you've got mail'.
17. Too messy to mark every Web site he visits.
18. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
19. Can't stick his head out of Windows XP.