Newest jokes

Government Study

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

Wipe With A Dollar

Two guys were on a long drive back from a fishing trip, when one turned to the other and said he needed to go to the bathroom. So they stopped the truck and he went behind the bushes. When he came back the other said:

- That was fast.

- Well I need to take a shit but I've got nothing to wipe my ass with.

The other answers:

- That's easy just go on back, pull out a dollar, and wipe your ass with it.

- O.K. - he says as he goes back over to the bush.

Later he comes back with a really upset look on his face and shit all over his hands and says:

- That was a terrible idea. Not only did I get shit all over me, I've got 10 Dimes Stuck up my ass!

Parents Upstairs

Out on the town one night, a young lad successfully chats up an attractive female, and they go back to her place.

- You can't make any noise - she warns him.

- My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us!

Things start getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol gets the better of the man's bladder.

- I have to go - he says.

- Well you can't go upstairs, it's right next to my parents' bedroom - she replies.

- Use the kitchen sink.

So he dutifully retires to the kitchen.

A few minutes later, he pops his head round the door and asks...:

- Do you have any toilet paper?

Geek T-Shirt Slogans

Top 50+ Geek T-Shirt slogans

  1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
  2. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key.
  3. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
  4. 2 + 2 = 5 for extrememly large values of 2.
  5. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
  6. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
  7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
  8. C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
  9. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
  10. <----------------The information went data way-----------
  11. Best file compression around: "DEL . " = 100% compression
  12. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
  13. BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding
  14. The name is Baud....... James Baud.
  15. BUFFERS FILES_ 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
  16. Access denied. Nah nah na nah nah!
  17. c:\> Bad Command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
  18. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...
  19. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
  20. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
  21. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
  22. Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups.
  23. E Pluribus Modem
  24. >... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
  25. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
  26. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
  27. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
  28. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington, D.C.? (Y/N)
  29. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
  30. A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
  31. 11th commandemnt - Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Pentium.
  32. 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case... coincidence?
  33. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
  34. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
  35. SENILE.COM found ... Out of Memory...
  36. Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
  37. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
  38. RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
  39. Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
  40. All computers wait at the same speed.
  41. Computer: A device designed to speed and automate errors.
  42. Press -- to continue...
  43. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
  44. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
  45. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
  46. E-mail returned to sender. Insufficient voltage.
  47. Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
  48. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
  49. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
  50. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
  51. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCRS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
  52. Hidden DOS Secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
  53. Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
  54. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
  55. Go ahead, make my data

Snail's New Car

There once was a snail that wanted to buy a Nissan Z car.

So, he went to a dealership and bought a car. He said to the salesperson:

- But, I would like my car personalized. Would it be possible to have the "Z" replaced with an "S"?

The dealer said yes, and it was done.

And, as the snail raced around the city in his brand new car, everyone would see:

- Wow, look at that S-car-go.

Saddam and Clinton

What might've happened:

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.

They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face.

Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs.

A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.

But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well.

- I'm going back home! - he tells the Iraqi.

- We'll finish these talks in two weeks!

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clinton's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge.

They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

- Forget this - says Saddam.

- I'm going back to Baghdad!

Clinton says through tears of laughter:

- What Baghdad?

Heaven Help Us

Three men die and go to heaven. When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter asks them each one question:

- How many times have you cheated on your wife?

The first one answers:

- Never!

St. Peter checks the books, discovers the man is correct and gives him a Rolls-Royce to drive during his stay in heaven. The second man answers:

- Oh, about 25-30 times.

He is given a Ford Pinto and sent on his way. The third man answers:

- Maybe 400-500 times

and is assigned a bicycle. A few months later, the three meet up and the Pinto driver, and the bicycle rider notice the Rolls-Royce man has a long drawn-out sad look on his face. Puzzled, the other two query him as to:

- why the sad face?

Mr. Rolls just looked at them and said:

- I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!