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What kind of star wears sunglasses?
→ A movie star.

Why can't anyone stay angry long with an actress?
→ Because she always makes up.

How many movie directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's done everyone thinks that his last lightbulb was much better.

- Producer: Would you call your leading lady ugly?

- Director: Let's just say she'd look better on radio than on TV.

- Fred: I met a really conceited actor the other day.

- Harry: Why do you say he's conceited?

- Fred: Well, every time there was a thunderclap during the storm, he went to the window and took a bow.

Why do actors like snooker halls?
→ Because that's where they get their best cues.

Why does an actor enjoy his work so much?
→ Because it's all play.

A bit-part actor finally got his first leading role in a major film. In one scene the actor had to jump off a high diving board in to a swimming pool. He climbed to the top of the board, looked down and promptly climbed down again.

"What's the matter?" asked the director.

"I can't jump from that board!" said the actor. "Do you know there's only one foot of water in that pool?"

"Yes," said the director. "We don't want you to drown, you know."

- Neighbour: Haven't I seen you on TV?

- Actor: Well, I do appear, on and off, you know. How do you like me?

- Neighbour: Off.

What's the definition of a good actor?
→ Somebody who tries hard to be everybody but himself.

An actor went to see a new agent one day and said, "You must have a look at my act, it really is innovative."

So saying, he flew up to the ceiling, circled the room a few times and landed smoothly on the agent's desk.

"So you do bird impressions," said the agent, "what else can you do?"

- Fred: I'd love to be an actress.

- Harry: Break a leg then!

- Amy: Whatever for?

- Fred: Then you'd be in a cast for weeks.

Why was the actor pleased to be on the gallows?
→ Because at last he was in the noose.

Denied membership in an exclusive country club because he was an actor, biblical epic star Victor Mature is reported to have said "Hell, I'm no actor, and I've got thirty movies to prove it!"

One agent stops by another agent's table to tell him the big news: "Elvis just died!"

The second agent says nothing, then starts nodding. "Good career move."

The producer of a low budget film is trying to convince the newly hired director of the quality of the work by telling him the big names they've gotten for the cast.

"First of all," he tells him, "We've got Gibson in the lead."

The director is surprised, "You got Mel Gibson?"

"Well, no," the Producer responds, "we got Marvin Gibson, he's a distant cousin who lives in Queens, but he's very up and coming. And besides, we've also got Redford."

"You got Robert Redford?" the director asks.

"No, we got Jeremy Redford, but he's very talented and has lots of acting experience from years of dinner theater. But," he says enthusiastically, "we've got Streisand and in a singing role."

After a venerable career of endless, stellar successes the greatest director who ever lived is in his prime and preparing for his most ambitious project ever when he unexpectedly dies and is called home to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the gate.

"So sorry about your untimely death," he tells the director. "But God himself has called you home. You see, God wants you to direct a movie for Him."

The great man is humbled, "God wants ME to direct a film?"

"Yes," St. Peter tells him. "And we've arranged to have the best of everything made available to you. For example, the script is by William Shakespeare."

The director is stunned, "An original screenplay by William Shakespeare?"

After a difficult day a struggling actor returns to his neighborhood and is shocked to find a cadre of police and fire trucks surrounding the smoldering remains of his house.

Explaining who he was he asks "What happened?"

"Well," one of the officer's says, "It seems that your agent came by your house earlier today and while he was here he attacked your wife, assaulted your children, beat your dog and burned your house to the ground."

The actor is struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in disbelief...
"My agent came to my house?"

After a difficult day a struggling actor returns to his neighborhood and is shocked to find a cadre of police and fire trucks surrounding the smoldering remains of his house.

Explaining who he was he asks "What happened?"

"Well," one of the officer's says, "It seems that your agent came by your house earlier today and while he was here he attacked your wife, assaulted your children, beat your dog and burned your house to the ground."

The actor is struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in disbelief...
"My agent came to my house?"

How many screenwriters to make "Titanic" a good movie?
→ One more than they had.

How can you tell the dumbest actress working on a movie?
→ She's the one sleeping with the writer.

What did the Production Manager give his kids for Christmas?
→ Nothing. But he promised he'd make it up to them on the next one.

How many absurdist/surrealist comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ November.

How many fire safety guys dose it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ One -- but it's an 8 hour minimum.

How many UPM's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ None! If you'd just make it a day exterior we wouldn't be screwing around with all these damn light bulbs!