"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.
"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies.
He manages to make contact with Abe the next day.
Abe says, "I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?"
Max replies, "Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece, tomorrow night!"
Abe says, "So what's the bad news?"
Max replies, "Well, you're booked to play the solo!"
Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert.
"There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?"
Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint, "Write your repertoire."
Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering?
→ Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.
Why don't violists play hide and seek?
→ Because no one will look for them.
What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
→ Terrorists have sympathizers.
Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?
→ Both are offensive and inaccurate.
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
→ Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
Why does a viola burn longer than a violin?
→ It is usually still in the case.
What is the difference between a violin and a viola?
→ A viola burns longer.
How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
→ Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.
How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
→ Sit in the back and don't play.
How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
→ The bow is moving.
A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be.
The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned the house down."
The violist replied, "You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?"
A violist and a cellist were standing on a sinking ship together.
"Help!" cried the cellist, "I can't swim!"
"Don't worry," said the violist, "just fake it."
How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?
→ Write a whole note with "solo" above it.
When a 16-inch viola and a 17-inch viola are dropped simultaneously from a 30-story building, which one hits the pavement first?
→ Who cares!
Why are orchestra intermissions only twenty minutes long?
→ So the violists don't need to be retrained.
Which positions does a violist use?
→ First, third, and emergency.
How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
→ Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
What is the definition of a major seventh?
→ A violist playing octaves.
Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording?
→ Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.
What is the difference between a dog and a viola?
→ The dog knows when to stop scratching.
What do you call the folks who hang around the musicians at conservatories?
→ Violists.
Why are violas so large?
→ It is an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large, just that the viola player's heads are so small.
