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What do you call a person who plays the viola?
→ A violator.

- Conductor: Again from measure 5, if you please.

- Voice from viola section: But Maestro, we have no measure numbers.

What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
→ Half a measure.

What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
→ You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.

What is the best recording of the Walton viola concerto?
→ Music Minus One.

How do you fix a broken tuba?
→ With a "tuba glue."

- Tuba Player: Did you hear my last recital?

- Friend: I hope so.

What is the range of a tuba?
→ Twenty yards if you've got a good arm.

How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door?
→ The doorbell shrieks!

What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
→ Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong?
→ King Kong is more sensitive.

What do lead trumpet players use for birth control?
→ Their personality.

How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Fifty. One to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that better."

There is a frog driving east and a trombonist walking west. What can be surmised from this?
→ The frog's probably on its way to a gig.

What is the difference between a trombone and a trumpet?
→ A trombone will bend before it breaks.

How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
→ Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes.

What's the definition of a gentleman?
→ One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!

If you were out in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
→ The out-of-tune sax player!
You were hallucinating the other two.

How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Five. One to handle the bulb, and 4 to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.

What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?
→ You can tune the lawnmower and the owner's neighbors don't mind if you don't return the sax when you borrow it.

Why did Captain Kirk go into the ladies toilet?
→ To boldly go where no man has been before!

What do you get if you cross a dog and a film studio?
→ Collie-wood!

What do you call a fight between film actors?
→ Star wars!

What sort of animals make the best TV presenters?
→ Gnus - readers!

What is an Actor?
→ A man who tries to be everything but himself