Sperm and Eggs
Why does it take 100 sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
→ Because men won't stop for directions!
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Restroom Policy
TO: All Employees
From: Management
Re: Restroom Policy
In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective Feb. 25, 1995 a Restroom Policy will be established to provide a consistant method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees.
Under this policy, a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee. The…
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Blonde One-Liners
Why are dumb blonde jokes only one liners?
→ So men can understand them!
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Floppy Disk Care
Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing…
Fifty-Fifty Relationship
What do men consider a 50-50 relationship?
→ We cook, they eat! We clean, they dirty! We iron, they wrinkle!
Microsoft Buys The Vatican
VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.
Men in Heaven
Why do only 10% of men go to heaven?
→ Because if they all went it would be hell!
Jefferson's Rejection Letter
The Court of King George III
London, England
July 10, 1776
Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
What Men Hear
What a woman says: "This place is a mess C'mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor, and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!"
What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C'mon blah, blah, blah, blah, you and I blah, blah, blah, blah, on the floor blah, blah, blah, blah, no clothes blah, blah, blah, blah, right now!
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Railroad Gauge Origins
The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they…
Men Chasing Women
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
→ For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
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World According To Student Bloopers
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
Black Widow Spiders
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
→ To stop the snoring before it starts.
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Coyote Versus Acme
In The United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona
Case No. B19293, Judge Lance Ito, Presiding
Wile E. Coyote, Plaintiff
vs.
Acme Company, Defendant
Opening statement of Mr. Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr. Coyote:
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Men at 35
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
→ Dating children.
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Army Budget Acronyms
As a result of DOD budget cutbacks, we are forced to reduce the size of the force. Under CRAP, older soldiers will go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of lower paid soldiers who represent the Army's future.
A program to phase out older soldiers via retirement by the end of the current fiscal year will be placed in effect. the program will be known as Retire Active Personnel Early (RAPE).
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Men and Blondes
Why do men prefer blondes?
→ Men always like intellectual company.
Twelve Days Of Xmas Letters
December 14th
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection,
Agnes
December 15th
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About Last Night
After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful tone. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."
"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"
"You did. All over his suit," Louise informed him. "And he fired…
Snowboarding At 47
When you're 47 years old, you sometimes hear a small voice inside you that says: "Just because you've reached middle age, that doesn't mean you shouldn't take on new challenges and seek new adventures. You get only one ride on this crazy carousel we call life, and by golly you should make the most of it."
This is the voice of Satan.
I know this because recently, on a mountain in Idaho, I listened to this voice, and as…
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The Man With No Ears
A man with no ears is trying to find a new reporter for their news show. The first candidate walks in, and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is one thing you notice about me?" The guy says, "Well damn! You got no ears man!" So the boss yells, "Get out!" The second candidate comes in, and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is something you notice about me?" The guy says, "That's easy, you got no ears!" So the boss says, "Get out!" As the second candidate leaves he sees the third candidate about to go in and says, "The boss has no ears so don't say anything about them, cause he is really sensitive about it." So the third…
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Dimmer Switch Bulletin
STATE OF CALIFORNIA
DEPARTMENT OF INSURANCE
1700 "J" STREET
SACRAMENTO, CA 95368
PETE WILSON, GOVERNOR
HARRY WALBRATH, DIRECTOR
Guest
New Element: Man
Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging. Samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by dousing with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes…
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Congress Downsizes Solar System
A Press Release - WASHINGTON D.C. The House Appropriations subcommittee on NASA oversight, in another effort to reduce the NASA budget, passed a resolution today to downsize the solar system. According to an unnamed congressional staffer, House Republicans felt there has been "too much redundancy in the solar system" and that streamlining the 4.5 billion year old planetary system is long overdue. Such action would…
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Women vs. Dogs
What's the difference between a dog barking on the front porch and a woman hollering on the back porch?
→ If you let them both inside, the dog will stop barking.