Latest

• PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
• ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
• APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
• SCSI: System Can't See It
• DOS: Defunct Operating System
• BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
• IBM: I Blame Microsoft
• DEC: Do Expect Cuts
• CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
• OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero"

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week."

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of us may find it rather funny.

Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)

Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ…

- Costello: Hey, Abbott!

- Abbot: Yes, Lou?

- Costello: I just got my first computer.

- Abbot: That's great Lou. What did you get?

- Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM.

- Abbot: That's terrific, Lou.

- Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!!

- Abbot: You will in time.

- Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.

- Abbot: Oh?

At a recent computer expo (Comdex), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that get 100 miles to the gallon." Recently, General Motors addresses this comment by releasing this statement, "yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

Below is a synopsis of the Microsoft Car:

• Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
• Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
• Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to…

Are computers males or females? You decide.

TOP 5 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE MALE:

5. They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.
6. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established a network connection.
7. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more than they have to and they won't think of it on their own.
8. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've already invested so much in the damn machine that they're compelled to remain with an under powered system.
9. They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you have their attention.

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:

1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4. Press any key except ... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

Earlier this week, Gregory Nemitz and a handful of space enthusiasts proposed creating special domains, including ".luna" and ".moon," for Web sites based on the moon. He wasn't kidding:

And one of our "Ten laws the Net needs" involves a special ".xxx" domain for pornographic sites. But why stop there? Here are some new proposed domains, and what you can expect from the sites in them:

10. ".trek"--contains audio files of William Shatner
11. ".bill"--Microsoft has bought this company
12. ".love"--for people who would rather cuddle
13. ".slow"--based in a distant country with no T3 lines
14. ".geek"--assumes you know what all the acronyms mean
15. ".404"--we stopped maintaining our servers in 1996

REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 23, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.

"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone".

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a…

A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end...

"And lead us not into temptation", she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."

Software Engineering Glossary of Product Terminology

• NEW: Different colors from previous version.
• ALL NEW: Software is not compatible with previous version.
• UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition.
• ADVANCED DESIGN: Upper management doesn't understand it.
• NO MAINTENANCE: Impossible to fix.
• BREAKTHROUGH: It finally booted on the first try.
• DESIGN SIMPLICITY: Developed on a shoe-string budget.
• UPGRADED: Did not work the first time.
• UPGRADED AND IMPROVED: Did not work the second time.

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses (viri?) do:

1. They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so -- okay, Windows does that.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay, Windows does that, too.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their…

There is a very dangerous virus going around and it is propogated through the email system. If you get an email message with the subject: "VIRUS ALERT!" do not open the mail message. If you do, the virus scrambles the second half of every text file on your system.

VERY IMPORTANT: If you do get this virus, the first thing dlkfjaiddfdjas nairb gfdq40wt yaj asdfsdg dluog av da[agj asdfajpg asdflasidffnm asd difvu asdfa vgoiae vdsofj we dasdf 9efm sd dag0 g adfjdl5gkj dkllj djf hsas9kaj kuieh nx3glkj gkdls kd li8siue ghkld hks1as dg 0vbwe ads gwefawe ads vewerwe dsf!

No no, the question is: How many USENET posters does it take to change a lightbulb?

1. Define "change"
2. How do you know the lightbulb is out?
3. Don't use the word "posters" to describe us, it's offensive to large sheets of papers with pictures on them which hang on walls.
4. That question is not appropriate for this group, please take it elsewhere.
5. I think it's perfectly appropriate, this is alt.fan.lightbulbs.
6. Well, that's because you're a twit.
7. Who are you calling a "twit"? Besides, you spelled "twit" wrong.
8. Oh? And how exactly do you spell "twit", twit?
9. Could you two take this to e-mail? Doesn't anyone want to talk about lightbulb fans instead of flaming?

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritted sign and held it in the helicopter's window.

The sign said "WHERE AM I"? in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign an held it in a building window. The sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER".

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to SEATAC ( Seattle/Tacoma)…

1. Order the T-shirts for the Development team
2. Announce availability
3. Write the code
4. Write the manual
5. Hire a Product Manager
6. Spec the software (writing the specs after the code helps to ensure that the software meets the specifications)
7. Ship
8. Test (the customers are a big help here)
9. Identify bugs as potential enhancements
10. Announce the upgrade program

Programmer: A person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of being able to turn out, after innumberable poundings, an infinite series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures from inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.

You Decide

'But that isn't a fair comparison. People like the Etch-A-Sketch.'

After admiring the above signature I thought I'd post a comparison, similar to the other great computer wars.

Etch-A-Sketch / Mac Classic

• No. of Colours: 2 / 2
• Resolution: ~2000 × ~2000 / 512 × 342
• No. of buttons: 2 / 1
• Preemptive Multitasking: Yes / No
• Hardware line draw: Yes / No
• Price: < $20 / ~$1000

God's Human DNA Code

For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function. I have solved the mystery. The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that the rest of it is comments. Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as follows:

/* HUMAN_DNA.H * Human Genome * Version 2.1 * (C) God */

/* Revision history: */
0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam.
0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve.
0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy -- will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from…

Just wanted to check out that you gnarly dudes are using the latest andgreatest software technology fer yer rad code to make it easy for thedudes who have to read it. The hip new way to write readable Ccode involves the use of a few simple defines.#define like {#define man ;}#define an ;#define SayBro /*#define CheckItOut */SayBro like, this is some rad program, so CheckItOutlike a = b an c = dmanSayBro , like who needs help from them compiler choads anyway?

THIS is the way to write CLEAR code. I mean really! CheckItOutlike SayBro this is ShellSort straight out of the white book, but ina readable form.

CheckItOut man#define YoDude for(#define OK )#define is =#define AND &&#define as#define…

The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and inless than a week, had all the information that he needed on the "other man".

The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto thescene. Being a man of the 90's and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-likemanner.

He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover: Sir, It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at…

Less-Known Computer Languages Basic-Fortran-Cobol... Theseprogramming languages are wellknown and (more or less) wellloved throughout the computerindustry.

There are numerous otherlanguages however that are lesswell known yet still have ardentdevotees. In fact these little-known languages generallyhave the most fanatic admirers.

For those who wish to know moreabout these obscure languages -and why they are obscure - Ipresent the following catalog.

SIMPLE ... SIMPLE is an acronymfor Sheer Idiot's Mono PurposeProgramming LingusiticEnvironment.

This language developed at theHanover College for TechnologicalMisfits was designed to make itimpossible to write code witherrors in it. The statements…

OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast.

But did you know that:

• 660 - Approximate number of the Beast
• DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast
• 666.0000 - Number of the High Precision Beast
• 0.666 - Number of the Millibeast
• / 666 - Beast Common Denominator
• 666 ^ (-1) - Imaginary number of the Beast
• 1010011010 - Binary of the Beast
• 6, uh... what was that number again? - Number of the Blonde Beast

Here's how to be a pest-by-modem:

• Make up fake acronyms. On-line veterans like to use abbreviations like IMHO (in my humble opinion) and RTFM (read the f...... manual) to show that they're "hep" to the lingo. Make up your own that don't stand for anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse to explain what they stand for ("You don't know? RTFM").
• WRITE ALL YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON'T USE PERIODS OR RETURNS SO THAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE ALSO USE A LOT OF !!!!!! AND DDOOUUBBLLEESS TO SHOW THAT YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT BEING HERE!!!!!!!
• When replying to your mail, correct everyone's grammar and spelling and point out their…