First name: ...................
Last name (if known): .......................
Address (where you live):
Mother's name (list also relation, i.e., sister): ..................
Birthdate (yours): ....................
Father's name (if known, if not, list two possible choices): ..............
Color of neck: Light Red( ) Medium Red( ) Dark Red( ) No Neck( )
Year of pickup truck: ............
Do you have the following in your truck:
Fuzzy Dice( ) Gun Rack( ) Coon Tail( )
State of Arkansas Residency Application
Name: ................ (last)
( ) Billy-Bob
( ) Billy-Joe
( ) Billy-Ray
( ) Billy-Sue
( ) Billy-Mae
( ) Billy-Jack
(Check appropriate box)
Age: ....
Average Iraqi: Has visited the convergence of the Tigris and Euphrates, cradle of the ancient civilization founded by his ancestors
Average American: Once got really sick on the Wild Mouse ride at Six Flags theme park
Average Iraqi: Willing to participate in Holy War for his nation
Average American: Willing to participate in People's Choice Awards
Average Iraqi: Lines up by the thousands to die for country
Average American: Will go to any extreme to avoid jury duty
Average Iraqi: Has endured many food shortages during wars with Iran and embargo by West
Average American: Shoves McDonalds cashier if their Happy Meal doesn't include McCookies
Average Iraqi: Believes if he dies in battle, he will go…
An actual mailing:
Greetings, You have just received the "IRISH VIRUS". As we don't have any programming experience, this virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files on your hard drive manually and forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list. Thank you for your cooperation.
What do you get when you cross a Jewish American Princess with a computer?
→ A computer that never goes down on you.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
→ Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
Abraham wants to upgrade his PC to Windows 95.
Isaac is incredulous. 'Pop,' he says, 'you can't run Windows 95 on your old, slow 386. Everyone knows that you need at least a fast 486 with a minimum of 16 megs of memory in order to multitask effectively with Windows 95.' But Abraham, the man of faith, gazed calmly at his son and replied, 'God will provide the RAM, my son'.
We've all heared that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the internet, we know this is not true.
Why did Marshall Applewhite insist that his follwers be castrated?
→ He heard that to be really successful on the Internet you have to work with UNIX.
I heard on the news last night that Bill Gates and his wife are expecting a baby in June.
I'm betting the baby will be late.
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends.
Friends
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many little 8 year olds writing chain letters. So this is how it works. Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:
Queer Horror Story #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the side walk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poop, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!
Queer Horror Story #2
Make a wish!!!
(This is where you have to scroll down)
Really, go on and make one wish!!!
Oh please, s/he'll never go out with you!!!
Wish something else!!!
Not that either, you pervert!!
Is your finger getting tired yet?
You Can Stop now moron!!!!!!!!
Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to a certain number of people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and then thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because, you now, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!!
Really!!! Here's how it goes.
There are four basic types of chain letters:
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who as no arms, no legs, no parents, and no pecker. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Starving Legless Armless Parentless Peckerless Little Boys from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Remember, we have no way of counting letters sent. So go on, reach out.
Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder- if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly and a mad goat will rape your dead body. Thanks again!!
A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating center and registered his qualifications. He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked company, favored formal attire, and was very small. The computer operated faultlessly. It sent him a penguin.
If Wang made toasters...
Marketing would never agree upon what customers really want or need in a toaster so millions of dollars would be spent in development and the toaster would be several years late.
Just after release Wang would buy another company whose toaster ran on NT but would find that they got more orders for the original.
If Cray made toasters...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world, at least for a couple of years.
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
Does DEC still make toasters...? They made good toasters in the '70s, didn't they?
If Apple made toasters...
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier. The toast would make a little smiley face at you when it popped up, or else it would get stuck and there would be a little picture of a bomb burned onto it. If they break, these toasters would require a special set of MacToaster Tools to even open up. Worldwide market share would only be 5%, but all the bread in school lunches would be exclusively toasted on the MacToaster.
If Microsoft made toasters...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that let's you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
If IBM made toasters...
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
Two groups of computer experts were set up in order to find out whether computer is male or female: one group was male, and the other group was female.
The group of women reported that computers should be refereed to as "HE" because:
The group of men reported that computers should be refered to as "SHE" because:
What do you get when you cross a hooker with a systems engineer?
→ A fuckin know-it-all!
Interesting things about Monica Lewinsky:
Who does she think she is, Microsoft Windows?
