Latest

An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs.

When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"How did you know?" he asks.

Two Jewish businessmen meet in the street.

"Well, Morrie, how's your warehouse business going?". "Oy vey, Abraham, it's not going so good, we had a flood last week."

"So, Morrie," whispers Abraham "How do you start a flood?".

Two Jewish businessmen meet in the street.

"Oy, Abraham, I'm sorry to hear about that fire at your warehouse". "Ssh!" hisses the other, "It's not till next week".

Did you hear about the tramp who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself" she replied.

Did you hear about the Jewish doctor who gave a patient six months to live?
→ When the patient couldn't pay, the doctor gave him another six months.

How did they know that Jesus was Jewish?
→ Because he lived at home until he was thirty, he went into his father's business, his mother thought he was God, and he thought his mother was a virgin.

How can you tell if an Irishman is present at a cock fight?
→ He enters a duck.

How can you tell if a Pole is present?
→ He bets money on the duck.

How can you tell if an Italian is present?
→ The duck wins.

How do you separate the Greek boys from the Greek men at a Greek BBQ?
→ With a Crowbar!!!!!

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey…

The only good thing to ever come out of Oklahoma:
An empty greyhound.

A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asks the class, "Who was the greatest man that ever lived?"

A girl raises her hand and says, "I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country." The teacher replies, "Well...that's a good answer, but that's not the answer I am looking for."

Another young student raises his hand and says, "I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the civil war." ... "Well, that's another good answer, but that is not the one I was…

Why did the mexicans fight so hard for the alamo?
→ They wanted 4 clean walls to spray paint.

Four Mexicans were in an open truck that had run into the lake.

The two in the front seat escaped unharmed, but the two in the back bed drowned - they couldn't get the tailgate open!

Sorry Texans....

A Texas game warden came upon a coyote caught in a trap. He returned to his office and called the Oklahoma game warden and told him one of his coyotes was caught in a trap.

"How do you know it's one of our coyotes?" asked the Oklahoma game warden.

"Well," replied the Texas game warden, "He's already chewed off three of his legs and he's still trapped!"

AKBAR KHALI_KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN
→ Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

FEKR GABUL ORADAN DAVAT PAEH CUSH DIVAR
→ I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.

SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH DEH GOFTEH BANDE
→ I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.

AUTO ARREREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH HAST
→ It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.

FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN
→ If you will do me the kindness of not harming by genitel appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.

From a list of English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong, compiled by Stefan Hammond and Mike Wilkins for their book Sex & Zen & a Bullet in the Head, to be published in August by Fireside. Cited in Harper's, June 1996.

• I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
• Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
• Gun wounds again?
• Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
• A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
• Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
• Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.
• Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
• Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.

A cattleman from West Texas died & went on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to the gate keeper, "Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Texas."

The gatekeeper replied, "First of all, I'm not Saint Peter and second, you really don't know where you are at all, do you?"

There are consistent trends in the past evolution of languages, and in all likelihood they will continue to change in the same fashion in the future.

In 200 years, spoken French will have only one sound, a vowel. All consonants and gaps between words and sentences will disappear, leaving only an extended "Eauuuuuuuuuuuu..." Meaning will be inferred from facial expression. Written French will stay exactly the same.

These consonants will not be entirely forgotten; they will migrate to Czechoslovakia, which will by that time have no use for vowels.

In 200 years, the English vocabulary will be the union of all other vocabularies, but the spelling will be original.

State of Kentucky 12th Grade Reading Test

TEST #1
MR Ducks
MR Knot
SAR
CM Wangs
LIB
MR Ducks

TEST #2
MR Snakes

Name:
Nickname:
CB Handle:
Model: Color:
Address (RFD No.):
Daddy (If unknown, list 3 suspects):
Mamma:

Neck Shade:
[ ] Light Red / [ ] Medium Red / [ ] Dark Red

Number of teeth exposed in full grin: Upper Lower

For many years, the border between Poland and Russia was volatile. Due to a political shift, a farmer found that he was no longer a Russian, but had become a Pole.

Thrilled, he told his wife, "Thank God! No more of those freezing Russian winters."

Mr. Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant, but he worked hard, saved his pennies, and started a small business. It did well, and soon he had enough money to send for the wife and children. The work kept him very busy, so he never had time to learn to write, but the bank was happy to do business with him, even though his signature consisted of two X's.

He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferred to private schools, the family moved into a fancy house (with one staircase going nowhere just for show)...you get the idea. One day his banker, Mr. Smith, asked him to drop by.

"So vat's the problem?" Greenberg asked, a bit anxiously.

How do Amish teenage boys find their sheep in tall grass?
→ Most satisfactory!

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her,... don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.

So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."

The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem!! I have…

A missionary is sent into deepest darkest depths of Africa to live with a tribe. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and good Christian values. One thing he particularly stresses is the evil of sexual sin. "Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!"

One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white baby.

The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary.

"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man who has ever set foot in our village. Anyone can see what's going on here!"