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Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they're trying to one-up each other.

The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor. The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.

Young woman number three says:

- Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis.

A guy steps into an elevator and there's just one attractive woman in it. He turns around to push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her breast. He says, "Oh, I'm so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be able to forgive me." She looks at him a few seconds and says, "That's all right. If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 204."

Grandma Saperstein and Grandpa Rabinowitz are sitting on the veranda of the old folks home rocking back and forth in their rocking chairs. Grandpa Rabinowitz rocks forward in his chair and says to Grandma:

- Fuck you!

Grandma Saperstein rocks forward in her chair and says to Grandpa:

- Fuck you too!

Grandpa becomes very much excited and shouts:

- Fuck you! swinging more forward again.

Grandma remains graceful but leans forward and says:

- Fuck you again.

This goes on for about 10 minutes. Finally Grandpa says:

- You know something, Grandma, this oral sex thing ain't all it's cracked up to be.

In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the study was published, the University of South Carolina decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The University of Georgia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

This girl I know told me she was so horny her own tongue's starting to feel good in her mouth.

I think my wife is getting a little nearsighted.

I woke up this morning, she was sucking on the bedpost.

Mike and Keith are playing golf one hot Sunday afternoon. While approaching the sixteenth hole, they notice an old golfer teeing up by himself. The two friends stop and wait for the older golfer to finish his hole. After the old man drives the ball a considerable distance down the fairway, he collapses on the green. Mike and Keith run up the fellow to help. After feeling the old man's pulse, Mike tells Keith to run to the club house and call 911.

Keith leaves and returns about two minutes later after making the call. Upon returning Keith, sees the old man naked and bent over a nearby bench. Meanwhile, Mike is screwing the unconscious man vigorously. Keith in astonishment says:

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (FRESHMAN) raised her hand and asked:

- If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?

- That's correct - responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, the girl asked:

- Then why doesn't it taste sweet?

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class.... and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the…

A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . . the works. Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?" "No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk:

- If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes.

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.

These two guys are car pooling home from work one day. Traffic is barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored. So the driver is looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex on someone's front lawn.

- Look - he shouts - What are the those dogs doing? are they fighting?

The passenger, being a man of the world, replies:

- They are having sex. Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?

The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sex doggie style. So the passenger says:

- You have to try it. Its pretty cool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position.

What's the difference between a transvestite sailor and Monica Lewinsky's wardrobe?
→ When you have a transvestite sailor, you have a dress on a seaman.

What's the difference between a regular toad and a horney toad?
→ A regular toad croaks "Ribbit Ribbit" while a horney toad croaks "Rub-it Rub-it"

Why was Raggedy Ann thrown out of the toy store?
→ She was caught sitting on Pinocchio's face and shouting "Lie lie lie!"

Three Irish women were discussing their respective mates over tea.

- I call my man 'Eight,' - said the first woman, - Because he's got eight inches, and we do it eight times a day.

The second woman said in response:

- I call my man 'Ten' because his dong is ten inches long, and we do it ten times every night.

The first woman then asked the third woman:

- What do you call your man?

She answered:

- 'Creme de Menthe.'

- Why? Isn't that a liqueur? - the other two wanted to know.

- Yep, it is, - said the woman, continuing, - yeah, you betcha!

How can a man tell when his sperm count is elevated?
→ His girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.

The Seven Dwarfs were all in bed feeling Happy-then he got out of bed so they felt Grumpy instead.....

This joke sucks....

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says:

- I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear:

- Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?

It was a somber day in Disney land, Mickey And Minnie were in divorce court.. The judge was about to make his decision he said:

- Im sorry mickey, I cant grant you a divorce based on your statement that Minnie has prominant teeth

Mickey retorted:

- I DIDNT SAY SHE had prominent teeth, I SAID SHE WAS FUCKING GOOFY!!

How do you clean a condom?
→ Turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it!

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says:

- Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.

The grandfather replies:

- I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The…

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches.

When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

says the Doctor:

- Listen, I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and…

In a deal engineered by veteran mouthpieces Stein and Cacheris, Ms. Lewinsky has apparently headed off possible perjury charges by offering a full throated confession to Kenneth Starr. Sources close to the investigation report Starr is pumping Ms. Lewinsky for details concerning an oral pact with Mr. Clinton to withhold evidence. Although the independent prosecutor's team will drill Monica prior to her testimony, beltway observers do not anticipate a full dress rehearsal.

As a young, modern virgin of the nineties, you no doubt have many questions concerning romance, love, even s..e..x. In this sensitive and frank "question and answer" format, noted sex therapist Dr Ruth explains everything you've ever wondered about.

Where can I find the man of my dreams?
→ This is a difficult question, since every virgin probably has a different ideal of what their own personal Prince Charming should act and look like. However, when it comes to finding Mr Right, I can give you a good suggestion on where to start - and that's in a bar. That's right, go to a bar... preferably the kind that smells of stale beer and lots of men crowded around watching a sports event on…

There was a young man in the Air Force who was so well-endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three Air Force doctors and one Air Force nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation. The first doctor said:

- We'll just take a big hunk off the end.

They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.

The second doctor said:

- We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it.

They discussed this, and decided it would change the texture and feel of it.

The third doctor said:

- We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it.

They discussed this, too, and agreed that it might give him erection problems.

The doctors heard a sniffling, and looked over at the nurse who had tears…