Latest

The newlyweds showed up at the hotel and asked for the honeymoon suite.

- Do you have reservations? - asked the desk clerk.

- Only one - replied the groom.

- She won't take it up the ass.

Don was looking for a little "action." He picked up a sweet young thang at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac. After six times, she was screaming for more. After the eighth time, Don told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.

On the way out, he stopped in the men's room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic when he couldn't find his dick. After a couple of minutes of "fishing around," he finally said:

- Look, it's ok. She's not here!

A man was called to witness that a couple had been making love in a park.

- The witness: They were fucking, your honor.

- The judge: Could the witness put it in a more Shakespearean way?

- The witness: The park was Dark but caused no fear / Until tiny sounds came to my ear / There was this couple on the ground there / and his balls were dangling in the air / and you know his what was in her you know where / If that wasn't fucking, your Honor, I wasn't there.

This redneck gets married, but on his wedding night he doesn't know what to do. He's fumbling around for a while, but finally his wife gets fed up and says:

- Jeb, ya big idiot! Yer s'pposed to take that thing you play with and put it where I pee!...

So he got his bowling ball and threw it in the outhouse!

The morning after their honeymoon night, Julie says to her husband:

- You know, you're really a lousy lover!

Her husband replies:

- How would you know after only 30 seconds?

Two young brothers, aged 5 and 6, are listening through the keyhole as their older sister is getting it on with her new boyfriend.

They hear her say:

- Oh, Jim, you're going where no man has gone before!

The six-year-old says to his brother:

- He must be fucking her up the ass!

A boat load filled with Viagra sank in Baltimore Harbor.

They could not get the draw bridges down for a week.

- Doctor, I need your help. My husband just doesn't satisfy me sexually. What can I do?

- Hmmm. That's a bit out of my league. Has HE seen a doctor?

- Yes, he has. He is perfectly OK. He just isn't enough for me. You've got to help me!

- Er... Why don't you take a lover?

- I have! I still don't get enough.

- Take another lover.

- I did. In fact, I have eight lovers, and I still don't get enough sex!

- Gosh, that's an anomaly.

- Oh, Doctor! Please tell them it's an anomaly! They all keep telling me I'm a whore!

A little girl asks her father:

- Where do little girls come from?

The father says:

- They come from a hard-on.

The little girl then asks her father:

- Where does a hard-on come from?

The father says:

- Little girls!

A young girl is speaking with her father.

- Daddy, what's that between your legs?

- That's my hedgehog.

- Wow, it's got a massive cock.

While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform.

On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine.

Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection. Looking down at this, he snarled:

- Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!

Old Chinese proverb: Rape impossible!

Woman with skirt up run faster than man with trousers down!

What is worse than a dead dog on your piano?
→ An infected pussy on your organ.

What's the definition of virginity?
→ A big issue over a little tissue.

Ok, I'm going to get a lot of hate mail for this one...

What's the definition of the perfect woman?

She's three feet tall, has a round hole for a mouth, and her head is flat so you can put a can on it. The sports model has pull back ears and her teeth fold in. The economy model fucks all night and at midnight turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack.

Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stage coaches and the like were popular, there were three people in a stage coach one day: a true red blooded born and raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well endowed Texas lady. The city slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said:

- Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job.

The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said:

- Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!

Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said:

- Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of a woman in Texas!

Phil was at the bar one night, and complained about having a headache.

- I've got a beaut cure for a headache, - said his mate Trev. - Whenever I have a headache I head home and I get my wife to give me a long, slow, wet blowjob. Never fails.

A week went by and they were in the bar again, talking.

- Did you try my headache cure? - asked Trev.

- Yeah, - said Phil, - worked great! Your house is nice, too!

Two men are discussing the age old question: who enjoys sex more, the man or the woman? A woman walks by and listens in for awhile and then interrupts: "Listen you guys. You know when your ear itches and you put in your little finger and wiggle it around for awhile? Afterward, which feels better, your finger or your ear?"

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to an extremely gorgeous woman. The first thing he notices about her though, are her pants. They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or velcro) for opening them. After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her:

- Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?

- Well, - she replied, - you can start by buying me a drink.

One day a priest went into a public bathroom to use the stall. While he was on the toilet, he heard moaning coming from the stall next to him. He stood up to look over, and there was little Jimmy, sitting on the toilet masturbating.

The priest was shocked. He told Jimmy that he knew what he was doing in there and that he should save it for marriage.

Little Jimmy agreed to this only because it was coming from a priest. About a week later the priest ran into Jimmy at the mall and asked him how he was doing with his problem.

Jimmy replied:

- Great, Father, I've saved a whole quart!

What's the difference between Love, True Love and showing off?
→ Spit, swallow and gargle.

Mary went to Jill's place to tell her about a horrible experience she'd had the previous night with this bloke she brought home.

- Well, what happened when you got there? - Jill asked.

- The bastard called me a slut! - Mary said.

- And what did you do then? - Jill asked, shocked.

- I told him to get the fuck out of my bedroom and take his eight mates with him! - Mary said.

What's the most active muscle in a woman?
→ The penis.

What's an Australian kiss?
→ The same thing as a French kiss, only down under!

A group of cowboys were branding some cattle. While they were out the cook saw a sheep tied to a post. Thinking it was for that night's dinner he cooked it. That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking and ignoring the cook. He pulled one aside and asked:

- Did I screw up the cooking...?

- No, - the cowboy replied, - you cooked up the screwing.