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Do you know what a Yankee is?
→ Same as a quickie, except you're by yourself

Little Freddie said to Little Johnny:

- My dad's tougher than your dad!

- Oh yeah? - said Little Johnny.

- My dad is so tough, he has lightbulbs for dinner!

- Really?

- Yeah, the other night I heard him tell my mom:

- Turn out the light, I wanna eat it!

A guy's fingering his girlfriend.

She says:

- Would you take off your ring? It's hurting me.

He says:

- That's not my ring...

- It's my wristwatch.

"I must take every precaution not to get pregnant," said Edna to Priscilla. "But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy," Priscilla responded. "He did. That's why I have to take every precaution."

This guy goes into a doctors and says:

- Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sex!

- Well how often do you have it? - the doctor asks.

- Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day - he answers back.

- That's not so much - says the doctor.

- Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day - replies the man.

- Well that is probably a bit excessive - says the doctor.

- Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day - says the man.

- Well, that's definitely to much - says the doctor.

- You've got to learn to take yourself in hand. - I do - says the man.

A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is using the wrong grip. After several failed attempts to correct her, he finally says:

- OK,, just grip it like you do your husband's member

After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the line. The instructor says:

- Wow that's great. Now just try taking the racquet out of your mouth.

A Scottish private walks into the pharmacy near his bases, pulls a beat-up, mutilated condom out of his pocket, and asks the pharmacist how much it would cost to repair the condom. The pharmacist replied that including replacing the band and spotwelding the holes, it would cost 26 pence, but that for 29 pence, he could sell the private a new one. The private said, "Aye, that is a weighty decision, I shall be back in two hours with an answer." Two hours later, The Scotsman returns and says: "The regiment has voted to replace."

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says:

- At least they're finally together.

A guy sitting in the front row says:

- Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?

The priest says:

- I mean her legs.

The limousine was taking the beautiful raven-haired model to the airport.

Halfway there, the front tire went flat. The model said:

- Driver, I don't have time to wait for road service. Can you change it yourself?

The driver said:

- Sure.

He got out of the car and proceeded to change the tire, but couldn't get the wheel cover off. The model saw him struggling and asked:

- Do you want a screwdriver?

He said:

- Sure! But, first I have to change this tire.

What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
→ Erotic is using a feather... kinky is using the whole chicken.

I recently tried some of these new 'flavoured' condoms. I bought one of each flavour they had, and tried each one in turn every time i got a shag. My girlfriend likes to lick each one before i insert it in her, just to see what flavour i was wearing.

The first night she said:

- Mmmmm, Cherry flavour

The second night she said:

- Mmmmm, Mint flavour

The third night she said:

- Mmmmm, Strawberry flavour

and so on, until we had reached the final flavour, and she said:

- Mmmmm, Cheese flavour

- Cheese flavour ?? - i said

An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers. "Oh honey", said the young nymph, "Does that mean we're going to do it three times?" "No", said the old man, "It means you can take your pick."

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"

"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we--" His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"

"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."

A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and generally got organized for a leg over. After a few minutes, the girl started laughing. The fellow asked her what she found so amusing. "Your organ," she replied. "It's a bit on the small side." Hurt, he replied: "It's not used to playing in cathedrals."

Two elderly Southern women are sitting on the veranda sipping lemonade and reminiscing about old times.

One says to the other:

- Darling, do you remember the minuet?

The other replies:

- Sweetheart, I can't even remember the ones I screwed!

At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who here has ever seen a ghost?" Most of the hands go up. "And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?" About half the hands stay up.

"OK, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?" Three hands stay up; there's a slight murmur in the crowd. "Gosh, that's pretty good. OK, have any of you ever, uh, been intimate with a ghost?" One hand stays up. The speaker blinks. "Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you've actually had sexual contact with a ghost?" The guy with his hand up suddenly blushes and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said 'goat'."

- Boyfriend: Do you smoke after sex?

- Girlfriend: Dunno, I've never looked

Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel. When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial. After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his new partner and said, "Wow! This is the very best sex I had in years. I wonder how the girls are doing?"

Cop coming upon a young couple making out....

- Cop: What the hell are you two doing?

- Boy: We're necking.

- Cop: Well stick your neck back in your pants and get out of here.

- Mommy, mommy! What's a nymphomaniac?

- Shut up and help me get grandma off the doorknob!

What do you call a prostitute with her hand down her skirt?
→ Self-employed

Two mates were screwing the same chick at the same time, and they were greeted with the sad news one day that their common squeeze had got knocked up. Having no way of knowing which was the father, the two mates chipped in and sent her out of town to have the little bastard.

Several months passed without either of the mates hearing from the chick, so one of them decided to find her and get some news about the pregnancy.

The next day, the other dude got a call from his mate.

- I've got some good news and some bad news - the mate said on the telephone.

- Well, give me the good news first - replied the other.

- The good news is that she's fine, and she had twins - came the reply.

- And the bad news?

Schick is walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic City, runs into a hooker, and he says:

- How much?

She says:

- Twenty bucks.

He says:

- All right.

They climb down under the boardwalk, and he bangs her. The next night, he runs into the same hooker, they go under the boardwalk, only this time while he's banging her, she blasts two incredible farts. When they get done, he hands her twenty-FIVE dollars.

She says:

- What's the extra five?

He says:

Two cowboys are out rounding up cattle when all of a sudden a heifer takes off and goes wild, the heifer runs into a fence and gets her head stuck. The two cowboys get over to the fence and the one says to the other, "This is too good to pass up," gets off his horse, unzips his pants and starts fucking the shit out of this heifer for at least ten minutes.

When he finally finished he looked up to his partner and asked him if he wants some of it. His partner replied, "Hell yes, that looks pretty good," climbs down off his horse, drops his pants and sticks his head in the fence.

A man goes to a doctor and says:

- Doctor, it's embarrassing, but every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm.

- Gee, what are you taking for it?

- Snuff.