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A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly screwed she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore.

She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!!

The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.

The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one…

- 17: He offers to pay

- 25: He pays

- 35: He cooks breakfast the next morning

- 48: He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids

- 66: He can chew breakfast

- 17: 17

- 25: 25

- 35: 35

- 48: 48

- 66: 66

- 17: Muffy the cat

- 25: Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat

- 35: Irish setter and Muffy the Cat

- 48: Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat

- 66: Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat

- 17: tall, dark and handsome

- 25: tall, dark and handsome with money

- 35: tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain

- 48: a man with hair

- 66: a man

- 17: "Burger King"

- 25: "Free meal"

- 35: "A diamond"

- 48: "A bigger diamond"

- 66: "Home Alone"

- 17: shopping

- 25: shopping

- 35: shopping

- 48: shopping

- 66: shopping

- 17: Need to wash my hair

- 25: Need to wash and condition my hair

- 35: Need to color my hair

- 48: Need to have Francois color my hair

- 66: Need to have Francois color my wig

- 17: Wine Coolers

- 25: White wine

- 35: Red wine

- 48: Dom Perignon

- 66: Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

God created woman, and she had 3 breasts.

He said to the woman:

- Is there anything on you that you'd like to change?

She said:

- Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?

God snapped his fingers and it was done.

She exclaimed, holding the third breast in her hand:

- What am I going to do with this useless boob?

And God created man.

HIS:

1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt

HER:

1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse

1. Get up.
2. Pee.
3. Drink raspberry-cranberry tea.
4. Pee.
5. Apply makeup. Pee first so you don't have to stop in the middle.
6. Drive to work. Pee at gas station. Complain about dirty restroom. Go to a different gas station and pee there.
7. Get to work at Burger King. Pee. Wash hands.
8. Lunch. Slimfast. Pee.
9. Arrive home. Pee. Shower. Pee.
10. Promise sex to husband. Pee. Get up in the middle of sex and pee.

What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
→ The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man thinks often about dating them.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it.
Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

Good girls wax their floors.
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie.
Bad girls know they could do it better.

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
→ When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

Element: WOMAN
Symbol: Wo
Atomic Weight: 120 (more or less)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amount of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed beside a better specimen. Ages rapidly.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for disintegration of wealth. Probably the single most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element: MAN
Symbol: XY

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.

The frog said to the princess:

- I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so.

That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying:

- I don't think so.

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.

(.)(.) tiny tits
(o) (o) regular tits
( O )( O ) big tits
( @ ) ( @ ) big harry tits
( ' ) ( ' ) perky tits
{.} {.} shriveled tits
( , ) ( , ) drippy tits
[ _ ] [ _ ] android tits
( # ) ( # ) Tysoned tits

A new medical study has shown that a woman's breast-feeding isn't adversely affected by aerobics. It was found, however, to be pretty distracting to guys in the class.

A little boy walks up to his father and says, "Dad, what does a pussy look like?"

Father responds, "Well son, before or after sex?"
Son, "Well, before?"
Father, "Picture a tulip with all the petals son."
Son, "Well what about after?"
Father, "Picture a bull dog eating mayonnaise!"

A woman walks into a hardware store and says:

- I want to buy a hinge.

The clerk says:

- Do you wanna screw for that hinge?

The woman says:

- No, but I'll blow you for the toaster.

Yeah, fat broads are like mopeds. They're fun to ride, but you don't want your friends to see you on one.

How can you tell if you're at a bulemic bachelor party?
→ The cake jumps out of the girl.

You know why there's a string on a tampon?
→ So the crabs can bungee jump.