Latest

Why did the Avon lady walk funny?
→ Her lipstick.

How are women like elevators?
→ Only about half go down.

What's the difference between women and men?
→ One has morning sickness, the other has morning stiffness.

The seven kinds of passionate women

1. The Optimist - "Yes! Yes! Yes!"
2. The Pessimist - "No! No! No!"
3. The Confused - "Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! Yes! No! No!"
4. The Asthmatic - written rendition of gasping
5. The Sprinter - "Faster! Agh! Faster! Faster!"
6. The Religious - "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!"
7. The Mathematician - "More! More! More! More!"

The boy asks his dad:

- What's the difference between a 'cunt' and a 'pussy'?

The dad gets a Penthouse magazine, draws a circle around a crotch and says:

- Everything inside the circle is a 'pussy', everything outside the circle is a 'cunt'

What is the loose skin around the pussy called?
→ The woman.

The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of "Baywatch" have joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie came as no surprise.

After all, both companies have made millions off airheads with flawless skins, Malibu tans, and synthetic breasts.

If Baywatch Barbie sells well, other Barbie/TV tie-ins seem certain to follow. Some possibilities:

Melrose Place Barbie: Comes complete with her Barbie Dream Apartment, where Skipper and the rest of the gang live rent-free. Other accessories include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets and an arrest warrant.

Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman: This helpful doll offers other homesteaders important tips like what conditioner to use out on the Plains and how…

What do you get if you put your hand down a psychic's pants?
→ Your palm red once a month.

The Perfect Day - Her

- 8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses

- 9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale

- 9:30 Light Breakfast

- 11:00 Sunbathe

- 12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe

- 1:45 Shopping

- 2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs

- 3:00 Facial, massage, nap

- 7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing

Have you heard about the new line of Tampax with bells and tinsel?
→ It's for the Christmas period.

When the milkman found a note on one of his customer's doors asking for 16 gallons instead of the usual quart, he rang the bell.

- Sorry to bother you, ma'am - he said - but are you sure you want sixteen gallons of milk today?

- Oh, yes - said the lady of the house.

- I'm going to take a milk bath.

- Do you want it pasteurized?

- No, just up to my tits would be fine.

Why did god invent alcohol?
→ So fat women can get laid too.

How is a woman like a road?
→ Both have manholes.

How is a woman like an airplane?
→ Both have cockpits.

What do you call a truckload of vibrators?
→ Toys for Twats.

Why is psycho-analysis so much easier for men rather than women?
→ Because when it comes time to revert to childhood, men are already there.

3 pregnant women were waiting in the doctor's waiting room for an antenatal check-up and were all knitting garments for there respective babies.

Suddnely the first expectant mother stops knitting, checks her watch, pulls a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one...

- What was that? - the other two ask, curiously.

- Calcium tablet. Good for mommy, good for little baby - she replies, patting her stomach affectionately.

Satisfied, all 3 continue with their knitting...

5 minutes later, the second one stops knitting, checks her watch, takes a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one..

- What was that? - the other two enquire.

"Vitamin tablet", she replies, "Good for mommy, good for little…

Why are girls like pianos?
→ When they're not upright, they're grand...

Why do they call it PMS?
→ Mad Cow disease was already taken.

Why do women get PMS?
→ THEY JUST FUCKING DO ALRIGHT!?

What does a girl with bulimia call two fingers?
→ Desert.

What has a woman got in common with a box of Kentucky Fried Chicken?
→ Once you get past the tender breast and the juicy thigh, all you're left with is a greasy box.

What does a woman of 40 have between her breasts that a woman of 20 doesn't?
→ A belly-button!

Did you hear about Tempura House?
→ It's a shelter for lightly battered women.

A young girl goes to the gynecologist and he examines her.

He says:

- You have acute vaginitis.

She says:

- Thank you.