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What the best way to get a guy to stop smoking after sex?
→ Fill his water bed with gasoline.

What does a man and a floor have in common?
→ You lay them right the first time you can walk all over them forever!!

How does a man keep his youth?
→ By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
→ Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
→ Put the remote control between his toes.

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
→ They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
→ You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Why do men name their penis?
→ They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of their decisions.

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.

What do men dream of?
→ Being stuck in a lift with the Spice girls.

If men had PMS/PMT, what would happen?
a. The federal government would allocate funds to study it.
b. Cramps would become an acceptable reason to apply for permanent disability.
c. There would be a federal holiday every 28 days

Why do men name their penises?
→ Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men?
→ No phone numbers.

Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
→ In the pages of a romance novel.

What did the man say when he walked into a bar?
→ OUCH!

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The first says:

- I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands.

The second can't stand to be bested:

- Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the venom down in one gulp. And I'm still here today.

How can you tell if a man is sexually exited?
→ He's Breathing.

Why do men die before their wives?
→ Because they want to.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
→ He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

If fathers have Father's Day, and mothers have Mother's Day, what do single guys have?
→ Palm Sunday.

Did you know that a man is made up of many useless things?

- He has an Adam's apple that isn't an apple

- Two calves that will never become cows

- A nose bridge that doesn't lead anywhere

- A roof of the mouth that won't cover anything

- Twenty nails that won't hold a board

- A chest that won't hold linen

- Two boobs that won't give milk

- Two buns that won't feed anyone

- A belly button that won't button

Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
→ It changes their blood type.

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
→ 1. No mind 2. No business.

A guy goes into a costume shop. He says:

- I'm going to a costume party, I want to go as Adam.

The girl brings out a fig leaf. He says:

- Not big enough.

She brings out a bigger one. He says:

- Still not big enough.

She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says:

- Still not big enough.

She says:

- Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?

The Bachelor Diet

Monday

Breakfast - Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth
Lunch - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers" - those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chilli, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of maalox.
Afternoon Snack - Drink the maalox
Dinner - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece Dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.

Tuesday

Breakfast - Eat the coleslaw
Lunch - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it…

If a man says something in the middle of a forest, and there is no women around to hear him, is he still wrong?