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A dumb blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!

She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient:

- Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?

The blonde turns around and says:

- Yeah right! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm still winning!

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park one morning.

Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird.

- Awww, look at the dead birdie - she says sadly.

The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says:

- Where? Where?

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and ordered their drinks from the bartender.

- Brunette: I'll have a B and C.

- Bartender: What is a B and C?

- Brunette: Bourbon and Coke.

- Redhead: And, I'll have a G and T.

- Bartender: What's a G and T?

- Redhead: Gin and tonic.

- Blonde: I'll have a 15.

- Bartender: What's a 15?

- Blonde: 7 and 7

Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue:

- Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

- Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down!

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup…

- Blonde: Excuse me, what time is it right now?

- Woman: It's 11:25PM.

- Blonde: (confused look on face) You know, it's the weirdest thing, I've asked that question thirty times today, and every time someone gives me a different answer.

A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.

- I finished the exam in a half hour - she replies.

- Now I'm rechecking my answers.

A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.

The brunette suggested:

- There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal.

- That doesn't matter at all - replied the blonde.

- All that matters it that I am able to sell this car.

- Alright - replied the brunette.

In a quiet voice, she told the blonde:

- Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell…

A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the pope, and a pilot were on a plane.

The plane was going down fast, and there were only four parachutes for all five of them.

The pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped.

The pope told the brunette to take the last one.

The brunette said:

- There are still 2 parachutes left! The blonde took my backpack!

A blonde goes into the beauty and hair parlor with her walkman on her head.

- I need to take that walkman off your head - says the beauty specialist as she notices the blonde.

- You can't! I'll die! - retorts the blonde.

- I can't cut your hair with the walkman on your ears! - says the beauty specialist getting annoyed.

- I said you can't take it off, or I'll die!

The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and throws it off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the blonde dies. When the specialist picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it repeating:

- breath in, breath out, breath in.

There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.

So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.

Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.

- If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one? - she asked.

The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.

- You have 171 sheep - said the blonde in triumph.

Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.

She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.

Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida.

As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying:

- Disney World Left!

After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said:

- Oh well!

and started driving back home.

A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming:

- I won a motor home! I won a motor home!

The waitress runs over and argues:

- That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stero system!

The blonde replies:

- No. I won a motor home!

By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues:

- You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as one of our prizes.

Again the blonde says:

- There is no mistake! I won a motor home!

Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie's lamp.

After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said:

- I will grant three wishes, one for each of you.

The first said:

- I wish I were smarter.

So, she became a redhead.

The second blonde said:

- I wish I were smarter than she is.

She became a brunette.

The third blond ordered:

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:

- Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.

- Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?

- Blonde: Yes.

- Operator: The power in the house in on?

- Blonde: Of course.

- Operator: And the switch is on?

- Blonde: Yes, yes.

- Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?

- Blonde: No, it's working fine.

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced:

- I'm going to try to swim to shore.

So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself:

- I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve.

So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she…

A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.

She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented:

- You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box.

The blonde answered:

- No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail.

A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.

She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her:

- I've kidnapped you.

She then wrote a big note saying:

- I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde.

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple…

There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was so mad that she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "It's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"

A blonde was telling her priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her:

- Don't you know I'm Polish?

- Oh, I'm sorry - the blonde apologizes.

- do you want me to start over and talk slower?

Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?

Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?

Did you hear about the blonde who was an M.D.--Mentally Deficient?

Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?

Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?

Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?

Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?

A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced:

- go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them.

A red head said:

- O.K., what's the capital of Wyoming?

The blonde replied:

- Oh, that's easy, 'W'.

A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.

When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said:

- There are no fish in there.

So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.

So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.

- How do you know there are no fish there? - asks the blonde.

So the man cooly says:

How do blonde braincells die?
→ Alone.

How do you brainwash a blonde?
→ Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

How do you change a blonde's mind?
→ Blow in her ear.

How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
→ Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

How does a blonde kill a fish?
→ She drowns it.

A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.

The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.

She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.

The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells:

- Oh! So you wanna race, huh?