Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said:
- You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!
To this, the other blonde replies:
- I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her.
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies:
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender:
- Wanna hear a blonde joke?
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says:
- Before you tell that joke, you should know something.
- Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind guy says:
- Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk:
- How in the world do you know I am a blonde?
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says:
A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
- Sorry I can't serve you - states the barman.
- Why not?! - asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice.
- You're under 18 - replies the barman.
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
- Why of course - comes the reply.
The first man then asks:
- Where are you from?
- I'm from Ireland - replies the second man.
The first man responds:
- You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland.
- Of course - replies the second man.
I'm curious, the first man then asks:
- Where in Ireland are you from?
Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."
Two men walked into a bar.
You would think at least one of them would have ducked.
A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot. The bartender is curious and askes him "every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."
I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double.
The bartender brought out a guy who looked just like me
A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was. The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip. The guy says:
- I'll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye.
The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.
He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again. The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip. He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye. The bartender accepts knowing the man can't possibly have two glass eyes. The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting his other eye.
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.
- What's so funny? - the bartender asked.
- That stupid Dave! - the fellow chortled.
- He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.
When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked…
Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.
One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her, and then said:
- Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of…
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator," he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively:
- You've got great hair!
The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.
A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say:
- You're a handsome man!
The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.
When he went back to his beer, the voice said again:
- What a stud you are!
The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.
The bartender said:
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. He staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.
The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his…
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.
The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says:
- Do you know your monkey stole my beer.
The pianist replies:
- No, but if you hum it, I'll play it.
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks:
- So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?
The pirate replies:
- We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.
- Wow! - said the seaman.
- What about your hook?
- Well - replied the pirate. We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.
- Incredible! - remarked the seaman.
- How did you get the eye patch?
A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.
After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says:
- I want you to see this.
She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear:
- what do you have to say about this experiment?
He responds by saying:
- If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hollowed be thy drink.
I will be drunk,
At home as in the travern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not into incarceration,
But deliver us from hangerovers.
The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked:
- What do you have in there, pal?
- A mongoose.
- What for?
- Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection.
- But - the friend said - you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes.
- That's okay - said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box.
- So is the mongoose.
It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.
The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. He was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.
- Are you Mr. Johnson? - they asked.
He admitted that he was.
- Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?
A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.
- But I paid, don't you remember? - says the customer.
- Okay - says the bartender.
- If you said you paid, you did. The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies:
- If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it.
Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over…
