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A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying:

- you do God's work.

The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying:

- you protect the public.

The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying:

- you serve the justice system.

The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought:

- Why not call him up?

He calls up the lawyer.

- Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?

The lawyer responds:

- A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?

The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says:

- Well, no sir, I'm...

- Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no…

An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.

- As I'm sure you can understand - she started off with one of the first applicants, in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question. She leaned forward.

- Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?

- Honest? - replied the job prospect. Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.

- Impressive. And what sort of case was that?

A young attorney who had taken over his father's practice rushed home elated one night.

- Dad, listen - he shouted, I've finally settled that old McKinney suit.

- Settled it! - cried his astonished father. Why, you idiot! We have been living off of that money for five years!

A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled.

- My BMW! My BMW! - he sobbed.

A good Samaritan drove by and cried out:

- Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!

The lawyer, horrified, screamed:

- My Rolex! My Rolex!

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.

- I'm an attorney - the wincing man said, and this is going to cost you $5000.

- I'm sorry, I'm really sorry - the concerned golfer replied. But I did yell 'fore'.

- I'll take it - the attorney said.

- How can I ever thank you? - gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.

- My dear woman - Darrow replied, ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question.

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going.

- A million dollars - he answered, because I want to donate it to M.I.T.

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million.

- I want to give a million to my family - he explained, and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear:

- Three million dollars.

- Why so much more than the others? - asked the interviewer.

The lawyer replied:

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed…

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked:

- Give it to me straight. How long have I got?

The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.

The man then said:

- Call for my lawyer.

When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind.

The man replied:

- Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I'd check out the same way.

- Lawyer: Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?

- Client: After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I'm beginning to think I didn't.

The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.

1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.
2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.
3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.
4. There are some things even a rat won't do.

A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item:

- Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn't you. -$50.00.

A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule.

- Alright - the lawyer says looking through his papers.

- You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months.

- What! That sounds like a car payment schedule - retorted the client.

- Your right. It's mine.

A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

- Here lies an honest man and a lawyer - responded the lawyer.

- Sorry, but I can't do that - replied the stonecutter. In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put 'here lies an honest lawyer'.

- But that won't let people know who it is! - protested the lawyer.

- Sure it will - retorted the stonecutter. People will read it and exclaim, 'That's impossible!'

- Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?

- Larry: Shhh, doctor! There are three dogs outside in the waiting room!

- Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt me, doctor?

- Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown.

- Patient: Doctor, what does the X-ray of my head show?

- Doctor: Absolutely nothing!

- Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.

- Doctor: What does he call his other eye?

A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.

- Doctor, - says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands.

- Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?

- I don't see why not, - replies the doctor.

- That's funny, - says the man.

- I wasn't able to play it before.

A doctor is talking to a car mechanic:

- Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care.

- Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month.

A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local doctor.

- John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?

- Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off.

A patient walks into a doctor's office.

- Patient: Doctor, people ignore me.

- Doctor: Next!

- Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?

- Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.

- Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

- Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

- Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!