Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer
The following is a true story, and this situation supposedly occurred in a real courtroom.
At a trial, an attorney was putting witnesses through an exacting cross-examination, and was taking great delight into forcing witnesses to admit that they did not remember every single detail of an automobile accident. While the lawyer knew that no witness has a perfect memory, he had honed a skill in exploiting minor inconsistencies and lapses of memory in order to challenge the credibility of honest witnesses. After a series of scathing cross-examinations, he was looking forward to his examination of yet another witness.
- Did you actually see the accident? - he asked.
Merry Christmas in Legal Terms
Please accept without obligation, express or implied, these best wishes for an environmentally safe, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, and gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday as practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice (but with respect for the religious or secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or for their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all) and further for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated onset of the generally accepted calendar year (including, but not limited to, the Christian calendar, but not…
A prominent lawyer's son dreamed of following in his father's footsteps. After graduating from college and law school with honors, he returned home to join his father's firm, intent on proving himself to be a skilled and worthy attorney.
At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said:
- Father, father! The Smith case, that you always said would go on forever -- the one you have been toiling on for ten years -- in one single day, I settled that case and saved the client a fortune!
His father frowned, and scolded his son:
- I did not say that it would go on forever, son. I said that it could go on forever. When you saw me toiling on that case for days and weeks…
You Might Be A Lawyer If....
- You are charging someone for reading these jokes.
- The shortest sentence you have ever written was more than eighty words long.
- You have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.
- Your other car is a BMW.
- When you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.
- When your wife says "I love you," you cross-examine her.
A judge was annoyed to find that his car wouldn't start. He called a taxi, and soon one arrived at his house.
Climbing in, he told the driver to take him to the halls of justice.
- Where are they - asked the driver.
- You mean to say that you don't know where the courthouse is? - asked the incredulous judge.
- The courthouse? Of course I know where that is. - replied the driver.
- But I thought you said you wanted to go to the 'halls of justice.'
After many years of hard work, Joe rewarded himself with a long, luxurious stay at an exclusive Carribean resort. While relaxing on the beach, he was surprised to see a former high school classmate who he hadn't seen since they graduated. His old friend had been something of a "burnout" in high school, and this was the last place Joe expected to see him.
Joe approached the man, and seized his hand:
- Pete, it's Joe. From high school. It's sure been a long time. You look great! You must really be doing okay for yourself.
- I am - whispered Pete.
- I am a partner with a very successful law firm. But don't tell mother. She got the idea that I was a drug dealer back when I was in high school, and…
Satan was complaining bitterly to God:
- You made the world so that it was not fair, and you made it so that most people would have to struggle every day, fight against their innate wishes and desires, and deal with all sorts of losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes. Yet people worship and adore you. People fight, get arrested, and cheat each other, and I get blamed, even when it is not my fault. Sure, I'm evil, but give me a break. Can't you do something to make them stop blaming me?
And so God created lawyers.
A judge, bored and frustrated by a lawyer's tedious arguments, had made numerous rulings to speed the trial along. The attorney had bristled at the judge's orders, and their tempers grew hot. Finally, frustrated with another repetition of arguments he had heard many times before, the judge pointed to his ear and said:
- Counselor, you should be aware that at this point, what you are saying is just going in one ear and out the other.
- Your honor - replied the lawyer.
- That goes without saying. What is there to prevent it?
A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander.
- Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them - instructed the lawyer.
The witness hesitated.
- But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear - she protested.
- Then - said the attorney.
- just whisper them to the judge.
A trial had been scheduled in a small town, but the court clerk had forgotten to call in a jury panel. Rather than adjourning what he thought was an exceptionally simple case, the judge ordered his bailiff to go through the courthouse and round up enough people to form a jury. The bailiff returned with a group of lawyers.
The prosecutor felt that it would be an interesting experiment to try a case before a jury of lawyers, and the defense counsel had no objection, so a jury was impaneled. And the trial went very quickly -- after only an hour of testimony, and very short closing arguments, both sides rested. The jury was then instructed by the judge, and was sent back to the jury room to…
- You are a cheat! - shouted the attorney to his opponent.
- And you're a liar! - bellowed the opposition.
Banging his gavel loudly, the judge interjected:
- Now that both attorneys have been identified for the record, let's get on with the case.
A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released.
Excited about his success, the attorney e-mailed the firm:
- Justice prevailed.
The senior partner replied in haste:
- Appeal immediately.
A lawyer was on his cell phone, calling a locksmith.
- I locked my keys in my sports car! - said the nervous lawyer.
- No problem, I should be there in about an hour - replied the locksmith.
- Do you think you can make it a little sooner? - pleaded the lawyer.
- My top is down and it's starting to rain.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Three; one to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.
→ It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
→ You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
→ Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area…
The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up and said:
- I have to go back to the office - I forgot to lock the safe!
The other partner replied:
- What are you worried about? We're both here.
A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch.
A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he's had enough.
The bartender said:
- I've got to ask you - what's with the pocket business?
The man replied:
- I have my lawyer's picture in there. When he starts to look honest, I've had enough.
Lorenzo Dow, an evangelist of the last century, was on a preaching tour when he came to a small town one cold winter's night.
He entered the local general store to get some warmth, and saw the town's lawyers gathered around the pot-bellied stove, discussing the town's business. Not one offered to allow Dow into the circle.
Dow told the men who he was, and that he had recently had a vision where he had been given a tour of Hell, much like the traveler in Dante's Inferno.
When one of the lawyers asked him what he had seen, he replied:
- Very much what I see here: All of the lawyers, gathered in the hottest place.
Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100.
She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill.
On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind:
- Do I tell my partner?
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.
Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant. The judge ordered Taylor:
- You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can.
After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone.
When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied:
- You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was guilty, so I told him to split.
One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students:
- Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?
The student replied:
- Here's an orange.
The professor was livid:
- No! No! Think like a lawyer!
The student then recited:
- Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in…
What are the three questions most commonly asked by lawyers?
How many lawyer jokes are there?
→ Only three. The balance are documented case histories.
There's an interesting new novel about two ex-convicts. One of them studies to become a lawyer, the other decides to go straight.
Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing.
Have you seen the current remake of the movie "Cape Fear?"
It's about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer.
The question is, while watching the movie, for whom do you root?
A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family. Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted. "Darling, it was just a shark," assured his wife when he came to. "You've got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere."
