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A judge grew tired of seeing the same town drunk in front of his bench. One day the judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated, and thundered:

- It is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place of execution and there hanged by the neck until DEAD.

The drunk promptly fainted.

The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge, at which time the judge shrugged and responded:

- I've always wanted to do that.

A tourist asks a man in uniform:

- Are you a policeman?

- No, I am an undercover detective.

- So why are you in uniform?

- Today is my day off.

- When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least.

- You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old.

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said:

- Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?

To which the farmer replied:

- Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!

Prison life versus a full-time job

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.

A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

- But officer - the man began.

- I can explain.

- Just be quiet - snapped the officer.

- I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.

- But, officer, I just wanted to say

- And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said:

- Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.

- Don't count on it - answered the fellow in the cell.

Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car. When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on.

He said:

- It's Al Gore. He's up there threatening to set himself on fire! We are going car to car collecting donations.

- Donations! - I said.

- How much you got so far?

He said:

- about ten gallons.

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

- You'll get your chance in court - said the Desk Sergeant.

- No, no no! - said the man.

- I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.

He goes up to the guy's window and says:

- Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.

The man says:

- Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack.

- Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.

- I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death.

- Well, then we need a urine sample.

- I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar.

- Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had…

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

- Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later ..

And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey…

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The…

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said:

- Let's get off the corner people.

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again:

- Let's get off that corner... NOW!

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked:

- Well, how did I do?

- Pretty good - chuckled the vet.

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says:

- It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go.

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says:

- My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says:

- Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses.

The woman answered:

- Well, I have contacts.

The policeman replied:

- I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!

Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police.

The officer asked:

- What are those knives doing in your car?

- I juggle them in my act.

- Oh yeah? - says the cop.

- Let's see you do it.

So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives. A guy driving by sees this and says:

- Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!

A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.

After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says:

- So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt. This must be a sign from God!

Pointing to the sky, he continues:

- God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth.

The priest replies:

- I agree with you completely. This must surely be a sign from God!

A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out.

The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park...and couldn't find his way home.

- Oy Morris - said grandma.

- You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost?

Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear. Morris whispered:

- I wasn't lost..... I was just too tired to walk home.

In prison, you get three square meals a day. At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it. In prison, you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle. At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can't sleep without his latest lego creation. In prison, you get to watch TV, cable even. At home, you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable. In prison, you can read whatever you want and attend college for free. At home, you get to read weekly…

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said:

- Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!

- Don't worry, Bubba - Earl said.

- We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.

- What fer? - asked Bubba.

- Just let me do the talkin', OK? - said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said:

- You boys been drinkin'?

A prisoner in jail received a letter from his wife:

- I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter:

- Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold.

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:

- You wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden.

The prisoner wrote another letter:

- Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.

- Okay - the sheriff drawled.

- Gomer, what is 1 and 1?

- 11 - he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself:

- That's not what I meant, but he's right.

- What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?

- Today and tomorrow.

He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

- Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store.

- Listen - said the shoplifter.

- I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said:

- This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

- Man: What's the problem officer?

- Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

- Man: No sir, I was going 65.

- Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

- Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

- Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

- Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)