A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car.
- They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator - she cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."
The following supposedly a true story.
This guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said:
- Because I don't believe you are over 21.
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give the scotch to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag…
While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3.
They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4.
- What do you think? - one asked the other.
The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"
A traffic Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name.
She said:
- I'm Mrs. Chadivaler Zuminskagia Ragretumunga from the Republic of Uzbetikan visiting my daughter in Columbia.
As she finished speaking the cop paused for a moment and then put away his summons book and pen, and said:
- Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again.
John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer:
- Is there a problem, Officer?
- No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?
John thought for a minute and said:
- Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license.
Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman:
- Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's just a wise guy when he's drunk and stoned.
Brian from the back seat said:
- I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said:
Big Louie the Torpedo was becoming increasingly curious about one of the newer members of his mob, Benny the Rod. Benny had been in the business for many years in another part of the country. During that time he had garnered quite a reputation for being the most conscientious and honorable hit man available. He was also considered quite eccentric, perhaps odd, in that for the last ten years or so he always kept one hand in his pocket - clutching his cold steel weapon in readiness (hence the nickname, Benny the Rod). When Benny arrived at Louie's office, the question was put to him.
- So what's the story with you and this here gun of yours, eh? Like, are you scared or somethin' or you just…
A prisoner at the Edmonton Max started training a large fly to do tricks.
For years, for thousands of hours, he worked with the insect. It learned to walk across a miniature high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA. The jailbird said to the fly:
- When you and I get out of here, we're going to tour the nightspots and make a fortune.
Finally the day arrived. Fly safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate. At the bar, he brought out his trick fly. On cue, it started moonwalking. He said to the bartender:
- What about this fly, eh?
A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.
But it also lit up her arm, too!
Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.
A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.
When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said:
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say:
- Jesus is watching you!
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
- Jesus is watching you - the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot:
- Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?
- Yes - said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot:
- What's your name?
Little Tommy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station. There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted."
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
- Yes - said the policeman.
- the detectives want him very badly.
So Little Tommy asked, while tugging on the man's belt:
- Um, mister, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?
After shopping in a mall, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned. There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert.
The note reads:
- I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.
Ten Signs The Police Chief Hates You
A cop stops a man for running a stop sign and the subject gives the cop a lot of grief explaining that he did stop.
After several minutes, the cop explained to the gentleman that he didn't stop, he just slowed down a little.
The gentleman said:
- Stop or slow down, what's the difference?
The cop pulled the guy out of the car and hit him with a nightstick for about a minute and then said:
- Would you like for me to stop or just slow down?
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand.
Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers:
- What is this?
to which lawyer number one replies:
- It's that $50 I owe you.
A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.
He stopped the car and asked:
- Why, Irish Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?
- That it is - Irish Mike replied grimly.
- ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball.
- You mean you pinched his honor? - asked Pat.
- How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume? - demanded Mike.
- Well - mused Pat.
- there's a lesson in this somewhere.
- That there is - replied Irish Mike.
Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given the last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants.
The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked:
- Son, do you have a last request?
To which the man replied:
- Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?
- Certainly - replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked:
- Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?
- Please - said the condemned man.
- kill me first.
A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked:
- Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?
- Ever go a fishin'? - the policeman suddenly asked the man.
- Ummm, yeah... - the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added:
- Did you ever catch 'em all?
St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up.
- Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?
- I was a policeman - he responded.
- What kind of policeman? - St Peter asked.
- I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids.
- Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates.
A few moments later a second man walks up.
- Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?
- I was a policeman - he responded.
- What kind of policeman? - St Peter asked.
A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.
The doctor said:
- Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs $50,000.
The client asked:
- What? How's that possible?
The doctor replied:
- You see, it's totally unused.
Three men are going through CIA training, trying to become secret agents. They finally got through all their written and physical tests when they are pulled aside by one of the instructors who took them to a small room with another room adjacent to it. They brought the first guy's wife into the room and left her there. The instructor then loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the first man saying:
- Go kill your wife of five years.
The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room. He came back out one minute later and said:
- I can't do it.
The instructor replied:
- Then you fail out, so get out.
The second candidate's wife was brought to the room. The instructor then loaded two…
A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate.
- I've got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?
- I should let you know first that I am a policeman.
- That's OK. I'll tell it really slow!
Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said:
- I hear sirens. Jump!
The second one said:
- But we're on the 13th floor!
The first one screamed back:
- This is no time to be superstitious.
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.
- Have you any last requests? - asked the chaplain.
- Yes - replied the murderer.
- Will you hold my hand?
Warning to shoplifters: Anyone caught shoplifting will be beaten, gagged, whipped and tortured. Any survivors will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
A cop pulls a car over on the highway for speeding. When he asks for the driver's license, the driver argued, "Speeding??? But officer, I was only trying to keep a safe distance between my car the car in back of me."
