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What does your profession say about you?

1. MARKETING - You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
2. SALES - Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
3. TECHNOLOGY - Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are…

How careers end... Lawyers are disbarred. Ministers are defrocked. Electricians are delighted. Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented. Drunks are distilled. Alpine climbers are dismounted. Piano tuners are unstrung. Orchestra leaders are disbanded. Artists' models are deposed. Cooks are deranged. Dressmakers are unbiased. Nudists are redressed. Office clerks are defiled. Mediums are dispirited. Programmers are decoded. Accountants are discredited. Holy people are disgraced. Pastry chefs are deserted. Perfume makers are dissented. Butterfly collectors are debugged. Students are degraded. Electricians are refused. Bodybuilders are rebuffed. Underwear models are debriefed. Painters are…

Man says to God:

- Why did you make woman so beautiful?

God says:

- So you would love her.

Man says to God:

- But God, why did you make her so dumb?

God says:

- So she would love you.

Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and statements coming out of different companies:

- As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation )

- What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

- How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)

- E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr…

The following are real conversations Directory Enquiries operators had with callers, as revealed in interviews with staff at the Cardiff DE Centre.

- Caller: I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please.

- Operator: I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?

- Caller: Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off.

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

- Operator: Woven? Are you sure?

- Caller: Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.

- Caller: I'd like the RSPCA please.

- Operator: Where are you calling from?

- Caller: The living room

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:

- If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only…

Top 25 Engineer's Terms and Expressions (What they say versus what they mean)

- A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still guessing at this point.)

- Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together.)

- An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach. (We just hired three punk kids out of school.)

- Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!)

- Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.)

- Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)

- Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it…

USEFUL PHRASES AT WORK:

- I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

- I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

- I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

- It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

- Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

- The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist

- Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental

- I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

- I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

Thoughts and stories from on the job

My boss came in one morning and caught me hugging my secretary. He said in a rage:

- Is this what you get paid for ?

I told him:

- Nope ! I do this for free.

This same boss was into all this dumb inspirational and motivation stuff too. I remember once he posted a sign which read "Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday." I couldn't resist and added a note:

- And now you know why too

Once I came upon this pretty new temp standing in front of the paper shredder with a confused look on her face. I asked if she needed any help and she said:

- Yeah, how does this thing work ?

I took the papers from her hand and demonstrated how to work the shredder. She…

RE: Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations:

- "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

- "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

- "I would not allow this employee to breed."

- "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

- "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

- "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

- "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

- "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

- "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails…

"You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When......"

You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?", you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox.

A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say:

- I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn.

Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife.

While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.

You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled this week as vacation, not last week.

You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you:

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one." The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

Quote from a recent meeting:

- We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done

Quote from the Boss:

- I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.

A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves.

A direct quote from the Boss:

- We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired.

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.

My Boss said to me:

- What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.

The job security quiz will help judge how long you'll end up at your current job and what will become of you.

The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk, you...

- A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.

- B. Inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.

- C. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you've finished the level.

There's a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do?

New Corporate Buzz Words for the 90's

- Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

- Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

- Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, and then leaves.

- Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

- Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

- Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

- Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

MURPHY'S LAWS ON WORK

- A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

- Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

- The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

- Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

- When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

- Do you believe in life after death? - the boss asked one of his employees.

- Yes, Sir. - the new recruit replied.

- Well, then, that makes everything just fine - the boss went on.

- After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.

Job Interview Quotations

Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.

- A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.

- Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.

- Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.

- Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fies in the interviewers office.

- Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.

- Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a…

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:

1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
6. Its best for employers that I not work with people.
7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

Baxter Conners
Vice President
Company 203
203 Wall St.
New York, NY 10015

Dear Mr. Conners,

Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your bank.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Company 203's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately…

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were.

The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named "T-Square", and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat.

The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named "Slide Rule". He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem.

The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog "Measure" was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem.

What to say to a telemarketer!

One of the things that has always bugged me (and I'm sure it has most of you, too) is to sit down to dinner only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating to them as they were to me. The call was from AT&T, and it went something like this:

- Me: Hello

- AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T....

- Me: Is this AT&T?

- AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....

- Me: This is AT&T?

- AT&T: Yes. This is AT&T....

- Me: Is this AT&T?

- AT&T: YES! This is AT&T. May I speak to Mr. Salem please?

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your…

TO: ALL PERSONNEL
FROM: ACCOUNTING

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

Thank you,
Accounting

Attached: Extended Job-Code List

Code and Explanation

Here's a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three colleagues and agree to play the Office Game which awards points as follows:

ONE POINT

- Run one lap around the office at top speed.

- Walk sideways to the photocopier.

- Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

- When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew.

- Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

- Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

- To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.