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These are from actual resumes:

- "Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs."

- "I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."

- "Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

- "I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

- "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

- "Number of dependents: 40."

- "Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

RESUME BLOOPERS

All of the following songs may be played on a touch-tone phone. Commas are pauses, and hyphens are held notes.

Mary Had A Little Lamb
3212333, 222, 399, 3212333322321 or 3212333, 222, 133, 3212333322321

Jingle Bells
333, 333, 39123, 666-663333322329, 333, 333, 39123, 666-6633, 399621

Frere Jacques
1231, 1231, 369, 369, 9*9631, 9*9631, 111, 111

Olympic Fanfare
3-9-91231, 2222-32112312, 3-9-91231, 2222-32112321

The Butterfly Song

Three men die and go to heaven and queue to meet St. Peter.

- St. Peter: Hi, what's your name?

- Paul: My name is Paul.

- St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?

- Paul: 120K.

- St. Peter: Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of money?

- Paul: I was a lawyer.

- St. Peter: That's great. Come on in.

St. Peter then turned to the second man.

- St. Peter: Hi, what's your name?

A tourist is sightseeing in a European city. She comes upon the tomb of Beethoven, and begins reading the commerative plaque, only to be distracted by a low scratching noise, as if something was rubbing against a piece of paper.

She collars a passing native and asks what the scratching sound is.

The local person replies:

- Oh, that is Beethoven. He's decomposing.

Fritz Kriesler and Rachmaninov had a recital in Carnegie Hall once. In the middle of the music, Kriesler got lost and turned around to ask Rachmaninov:

- Where are we?

Rachmaninov said:

- Carnegie Hall, sir!

10 Things Not to Say to a GirlFriend's Parents The First Time You Meet Them

1. My parole officer thinks Teri has a calming effect on me.
2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?
3. Which one of you taught Monica to give such great head?
4. Can you believe it those shitheads at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!
5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now, my wife can be rather vindictive at times.
6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.
7. Angie is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.
8. Nice place you've got here, that painting looks expensive, I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in…

10 Things People Around the World Learn About Americans by Watching Baywatch

1. American men and women spend 15 percent of their days running in slow motion along the beach.
2. Americans almost drown an average of two times each hour.
3. Despite the habit of breathing water, CPR always works and no one actually dies, except from cancer.
4. People in the U.S. look thoughtfully at the ocean for an average of 15 seconds after being told anything of any importance.
5. Americans never worry about getting enough to eat, but fat people are unreliable and sometimes evil.
6. Most American women have abnormally large breasts that are worshipped via close-ups for an average of two minutes and thirteen…

15 Signs You Forgot Someone On Secretaries Day

1. Phone messages delivered on end of spear.
2. Your important dictation somehow seems to blah blah blah I am a slave-driving cheapskate.
3. A copy of the latest bestseller "So, Your Head's Up Your Ass, Now What?" appears on your desk.
4. When did FTD start doing an "Up Yours" Bouquet?
5. First, a message that Cindy Crawford is on line 2, followed a few seconds later by Satanic laughter.
6. It's not so much the cold coffee, it's the staples at the bottom of the cup.
7. Your big business dinner at the Four Seasons Restaurant in Manhattan is rescheduled for Big Jeb's 24-Hour Truck Stop outside of Newark, New Jersey.

14 Things to do While Taking a Driver's Test

1. Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.
2. Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, "buckle up!"
3. Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of saran wrap down so he doesn't dirty the seat.
4. When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say "oops".
5. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "now which one is the gas again?"
6. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.
7. Fill your car with beer bottles.
8. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like…

The World's Shortest Books

25. "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by O.J. Simpson
26. "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres
27. "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton
28. The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
29. Human Rights Advances in China
30. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
31. Al Gore: The Wild Years
32. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
33. America's Most Popular Lawyers

Top 17 fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant:

17. "I finished the Oreos."
18. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."
19. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!"
20. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
21. "Well, couldn't they induce labor ? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
22. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
23. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
24. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
25. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

- Personally, I think that people who say they wish they had their lives to live over again, probably shouldn't anyway.

- Wonder why it is that people who can make fools out of themselves are such excellent craftsmen.

- People who say they've learned from their mistakes should have studied more for the test in the first place.

- As I reflect upon on my past, the thing I regret the most... is its length.

- The way some people find fault with every damn thing in life, you'd think there was a reward.

- Even as I age, I still consider myself a "go-getter"... of course now, I have to make two trips.

- Trust me, when humans were created, I believe there was a very good reason why the body was…

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.

I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
And when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.
And I don't go around checking my reflection

I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.
I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.
And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,

An angel wrote:
Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.

To handle yourself, use your head; To handle others, use your heart.

Anger is only one letter short of danger.

If someone betrays you once, it's his fault; if he betrays you twice, it's your fault.

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.

God gives every bird it's food, But He does not throw it into it's nest.

He who loses money, loses much; He who loses a friend, loses more; He who loses faith, loses all.

Beautiful young people are acts of nature, But beautiful old people are works of art.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

Here are some people who should not be allowed to venture into society:

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the…

Proverbs as finished by a fourth grade class:

It is always darkest...
→ Just before you flunk a test.

There is nothing new...under a rock.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with...a private jet.

A committee of three...gets things done when they are not fighting.

If you can't stand the heat...try Antarctica.

Better late than...absent.

A rolling stone...may dent the floor.

If at first you don't succeed...live with it.

Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Die" written in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells:

- Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on the front lawn! And they wrote it in urine! The guy had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!

The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers:

- Well, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!

The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits. Later that…

How many honest intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
→ Both of them.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
→ They don't have time.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
→ Not one will stop to ask directions.

What do men and sperm have in common?
→ They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

How does a man show he is planning for the future?
→ He buys two cases of beer.

You Know You're From California When...

1. The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway
2. Your were born somewhere else
3. You know how to eat an artichoke
4. The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic
5. Your car has bulletproof windows
6. Left is right and right is wrong
7. Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income
8. Your mouse has only one ball
9. If you need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up

The 5 toughest questions that women ask men, and the answers...

The questions are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and…

A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

- We need a fourth for poker - said the friend.

- I'll be right over - whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked:

- Is it serious?

- Oh yes, quite serious - said the doctor gravely.

- In fact, three doctors are there already!

Ebonics Version of Windows '98 Debuts!

Microsoft has announced that its special Ebonics version of Windows 98, titled "It be a fresh Window." It has been leaked to several suburbs, causing confusion for unsuspecting users.

There are numerous differences between Windows 98 and the Ebonics version.

When opening the Ebonics version, the familiar windows chime is replaced With a "phat getto track that melts 'em down wit dope-ass bass," The opening screen features a Windows logo that is spray painted on a brick wall - along with several gangsta signs, slogans and shout outs.

On the main screen, My Computer is replaced with "Dis My Shit."

The Recycle Bin has been replaced with a Goodwill dumpster.

These are NOT made up. These are the actual titles of Country Songs...

1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed
2. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
3. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
4. I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?
5. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
6. I Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2
7. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
8. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
9. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well