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A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.

That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.

As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.

The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.

Some people ask the secret of Anthony's long marriage.

They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home.

The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked:

- Are they relatives of yours?

- Yes, - his wife replied. - I married into the family.

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends:

- The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!

An old granny overheard and spoke up:

- Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!

- Hubby: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

- Wife: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

- Hubby: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

- Wife: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

It's not what you say, but the way you say it.

On a blind date, the boy said to the girl:

- Time stands still when I look into your eyes.

The girl was very flattered.

What the boy had really meant was:

- You have a face that would stop a clock.

A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was there.

A farmer replied:

- Joe's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died.

- Well, - replied the man, - she must have had a lot of friends.

- Nope, - said the farmer, - we all just want to buy his mule.

A person receives a telegram informing him about his mother-in-law's death. It also enquires whether she should be buried or burnt.

He replies:

- Don't take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes.

A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on a vast beach.

The marriage counselor, trying to be creative, told him:

- If you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder.

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him:

- Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!

The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying:

- She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!

The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper.

- Steve, - his wife said, while reading the newspaper, - it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to eliminate six overaged destroyers.

To which the husband replies:

- Sorry to hear that, dear. I'm sure you'll miss your mother being gone.

There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk - the ghost which "lived" there was feared by all.

However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost:

- I mean no harm - I just want your photograph.

The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots.

The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.

What happens when people of different occupations get old:

- Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

- Old actors never die, they just drop apart.

- Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.

- Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.

- Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.

- Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.

- Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.

- Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.

- Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.

Today's Stock Market Report: Helium was up, feathers were down.

Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"

Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
16. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
17. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
18. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
19. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
20. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
21. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
22. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related…

HOW TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE

- Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

- Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.

- Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."

- Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

- Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much…

Here's a little clarification of corporate lingo:

- COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

- JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you.

- CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up-well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

- MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

- SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.

- DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.

- MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.

- CAREER-MINDED: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

TWELVE THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR AN EMPLOYEE TELL HIS/HER BOSS

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is always refreshing.
2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That greatly aids my efficiency.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I might need to learn how to function as a paraplegic in future and opening doors is good training.

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself." And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole…

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?" And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said:

- When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section:

- And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.

An old blacksmith relized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do." One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard." Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.

Casual Fridays:

Week 1 - Memo No. 1
Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.

Week 3 - Memo No. 2
Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.

Week 6 - Memo No. 3
Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

Week 8 - Memo No. 4
A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory.

Week 9 - Memo No. 5

Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords:

- The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

- I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off.

- This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

- The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

- I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

- I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

- Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

- The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

- Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday…